The Waters Deep

Life's about swimming to the top and dancing on the waves!


July 2015

What we leave behind

One of my clients died this week from pneumonia.  I didn’t even know people died from that anymore.  She wasn’t just a client she was a friend.  A Mother of a friend (and other client).

She was only 74.  Drank and smoked heavily.  Not her whole life, mostly after her husband of 40 years passed away from cancer.  Then, despite her three wonderful children, she just didn’t care anymore.

So the legacy she left behind was a smoky bar full of drinking friends.  Her kids say she left a long time ago and they were ready for her to go and tired of watching her kill herself over the last 15 years.  That’s what she really left behind.

I think about what I’ll leave behind, probably more than I should.  I always have.

My grandmother died in her 60’s.  An overdose of her daughters morphine and wine.  My favorite aunt died at 45, vodka and anorexia.  My real father, paralyzed during the Vietnam war in his twenty’s, later died of a mixed cocktail of Budweiser and pain pills, or so I’ve been told.  I could go on.  Entire generations killing themselves off with some form of self-medication or another.

Death is just right there around the corner waiting for us to do something stupid.  Or to continue to do a whole lot of somethings stupid.

I’d like to change what I leave behind,  for myself and for my children and their children.  I’m perplexed by how stupidly difficult it is.


Easy peasy green smoothie recipe review

First: I think I’ll not try to pass this off as a meal to my new husband. Second: it tastes like the front lawn. Think chewing on the end of a piece of grass, sort of the same only times 100. It’s amazing how no coconut even comes through. So if you don’t like the taste of sweet coconut and prefer the earthier lawn version, definitely try this at home. Third: juicing people lie. Fourth: I don’t think I can do it.

I’m trying so hard to make up for my recent badness.

My wagon flew off the cliff, last weekend, during our Wedding and then class reunion, both in our backyard.  I ate and drank like I was King Henry the VIII.

In typical fashion I am attempting to flush my system with enough kale and spinach to kill a large MooCow.

My family has stopped coming home for lunch.
green smoothie green smoothie ingredients

The ever growing pot of Vegetable Kale Soup

Vegetable Kale SoupVegetable kale white bean turmeric soup aka: dinner.

So Boyfriend says: “Woman! Am I the only one still eating this?”

I say, “Still? I had a few sips…”

He looks at me crossly. Looks back at Dinner and says, “It’s not bad. Flavors ok. It just needs. Well something. Maybe a little more protein. Beans or meat or something. Maybe not that weird textured vegetable. What is that by the way”.

We both peer into the bowl, as if it may tell our future,

I’m like “ummm which one?” Haha.

He’s like “Maybe, and this is just a suggestion, but maybe we could not make so much of these ‘soups’ so I’m not eating them by myself for a month”.

Hahahah silly man. He makes me laugh so hard.

Seriously though.  26 Days.  No Alcohol, only one Subway Cheat, 4 Icecream cheats and well I’ve completely fell off the no coffee wagon.  As soon as the real beans are gone I’m just going to go buy decaf.  This whole thing has to be sustainable.  I need even pretend coffee.

That weird gross eczema spot on my thigh is GONE.  The bloaty is GONE.  I think I can hear my Liver and Intestines sending me a quiet thank you for the vacation.

I’m not sure what my weight is.  I’ve avoided the scale because I don’t want to be set back by major disappointments.

I’d like to say I feel wonderful but I think my body is detoxing.  I’ve had headaches and my lower back feels like I was beaten with a bag of oranges.  Not that I would totally know what that feels like, just what I assume it would feel like.

Oddly, I’ve only wanted to drink once and it wasn’t because I craved alcohol it was because I knew it would make the pain in my back go away.  I didn’t.  I did stretches and curled up on the couch with my new friend ‘Ice’ and watched Netflix.

I get married seven days from today.  I wish I was 50lbs thinner.  Not going to beat myself up to much, just going to aim for a healthier thinner me a year from now.

I am actually really excited and less terrified to see what the doctor has to say in August.  Bring it on Beetch  I got this.

Btw:  I’ve discovered that Kale cooked is actually slightly edible.  Uncooked was like laying in the front yard and mowing with my tonsils.  I think I can do Kale.  I am not afraid.

Last night I dreamt I was working at Napa and the customers were lined up to the door.  I couldn’t get the till to work so I went to the back corner and asked to be taught how to bartend.  They only had about 6 bottles of liquor so I was in the process of deciding which mixed drinks Napa should start serving.  Then I had to go pee and went in to use the bathroom.  The women’s bathroom was a little box out in the middle of the store that you had to unfold and climb in.  One side was totally exposed to the customers.  I had to pee so bad.  I kept walking around the box trying to decide how to get in and pee without anyone seeing me.  I realized it was not possible.  Someone was going to see me.  It didn’t matter.  I had to pee to bad to care what anyone thought.  It felt so good.

The food in the cupboard has changed

foodpainsGoodbye Wine.  Goodbye Processed Food.  Goodbye Gluten.  Goodbye Sugar.  Goodbye Caffeine.  Hellooooo Whole Foods.  Helloooooo REAL Foods.  By the way:  It’s ridiculously difficult to eat ‘whole’ and to be conscious about what I put into my body.  I feel like I’m in Kindergarten for Real Fooders.

Time Log July 4 2015:   I’m 20 days sober.   Not just from alcohol. I’ve been juicing and eating fresh oranges and salad greens and garbonzo beans. No coffee, soda, wine or fast food.  First Fourth of July I’ve celebrated in years without a bottle of something and a hotdog.  I had grapes (my salute to wine) veggies, cheese and brown rice crackers, hummus and veggies.  We swam at the nasty muddy reservoir and I was thankful for our country and not getting a leech on my leg…. or anywhere else for that matter.



Last night I dreamed…


Last night I dreamt that I was checking out the basement of my parent’s new house. It was a duplicate of the upstairs. I couldn’t understand why they needed two kitchens. I was opening up cupboards and found some great pottery I wanted to take home. One cupboard was full of nothing but gallons of oil for the commercial size deep fat fryer sitting next to the extra stove and sink. One cupboard had a pack of cigarettes and fishing lures. Then I was putting the baby down for a nap and realized that I smelled poop. I went to change her diaper but she wouldn’t lay still. There was poop everywhere but in her diaper. I was covered in it. I took all my poopy clothes off trying to get away from it but somehow it was still all over me. The baby was naked and covered in poop too. The bedroom door was open and I knew that I couldn’t get it all cleaned up and that everyone could see me, it was just a matter of time.


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