Last night I dreamt that my hair was falling out in big nasty clumps the size of a silver dollar or bigger. I was at a Halloween dance and I pretended it was part of my costume, even to myself. I left the party in a pickup truck and was driving home in the dark. I was thinking and thinking about the awfulness of my problem and the corners on the road kept getting tighter and tighter and I was having a hard time keeping myself on the road. Then I didn’t. I came around a corner and just had a calmness about me as I missed the turn. I knew I couldn’t stop it or control it. In slow motion I tumbled off the road and through the air. I thought to myself, “of course there’s no ditch”. Down and down I went and crashed at the bottom. I wasn’t thinking about my hair anymore. I was thinking about the physical pain and wondering if my soul could live through it. I went to school the next day but everything was so loud and I couldn’t understand the words anymore. And I hurt everywhere. My hair was completely gone and I’d let one of the ‘druggy’ Emo art students paint a kaleidoscope of 3 dimensional scenes where my hair used to be. But I couldn’t stand all the noise and the chatter. I couldn’t stand all the people. It was just to much work to be there. I had to go where it was quiet. I sat on the top of a hill and watched them playing down below, I looked up and saw the brightness that the world can be. I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t sad. I just was. And it was ok for now.
I think I may be tired of dealing with people this week. And my youngest daughter’s hair has started falling out. She called me last night to tell me she had three more bald spots. It made my stomach hurt. I think it scares me more than it does her. She simply sweeps the rest of her thick dark hair over the big bald spots and bobby pins it. Moves on with her day. She has the ability to compartmentalize in a manner that probably saves her from going completely crazy from the stress she has in her life. I do not have the same gift. So I’m closer to crazy than I normally like to be.