There is a moment in life where we choose what kind of human we are going to be. Some of us do it consciously and some don’t.
Over the years I’ve started to choose who I want to be based on consequences from past choices and the Legacy I want to leave behind. As I grow older its not been that difficult since the consequences come rapidly and I’m able to make the connection fairly quickly. Choices. Consequences. Bamm. See where you went wrong, make a note for future.
In my twenty’s I was an enthusiastic and very self righteous judgmental Lutheran. I’m not saying all Lutherans are that way. But I was.
I also belonged to a women’s supposedly non-denomination bible study called Bible Study Fellowship, that preached love to all Christian religions but quietly had their own set of Strict Doctrine. As a Leader we had to exemplify perfection. They told us how to pray. They told us how to dress. No divorces. No drinking. No inappropriate clothing. Near Perfection. It was exhausting, but I went all out and did what I could to help family and friends be perfect as well. I was awesome like that. Oh, the ignorance and ego of my young self.
The consequences of that self-righteous judgement was brought home to me when we were cleaning out my Grandmothers home when she died. On the table, by her bed, was a worn out and much read letter from me. I was at first honored that she would have a letter from me that she obviously kept so close to her.
And then I read it. And then I wept with guilt. I remembered writing it and feeling so full of indignation that she was living a lifestyle of such debauchery. Multiple boyfriends, dancing and partying, smoking and drinking. I felt it was my right as her granddaughter to set her on the path to God and Perfection.
My harsh words of condemnation that she read over and over and over again were the last thing she got from me and I can only imagine how she felt each time she read them.
That Moment. Choices and Words, that I could never take back ,changed my life forever.
She comes to visit me in my dreams. I tell her I love her. Just that.
Love. Unconditional Non-judgmental Love. Because we are all connected. One and the same.