thoughtful-ruby

Relationships are complicated

For me, None more than this one

With one hand you held on tightly

with the other, you shoved me away

Confusion, Hurt, Anger, Love, Fear

They all became one emotion

Tangled up so deeply I couldn’t see the difference

Your demons and pain took you on a dark opiate-laced path

I watched you slowly die for 15 years

That last day, when you said that you loved me

Almost erased all the other times when you didn’t

You said that you were sorry

And I forgave you

Now I need to forgive me

I need to untangle all the feelings

The anger is gone, in its place is a deep sadness

The finality of death, is shocking

We ran out of time

I wish you were here

So I could tell you everything I’ve learned since you died.

There’s so much.

I love you Mom.

Everything you taught me or didn’t teach me

Became a part of who I am.

And I love that.  I love me.  All of the bits and parts and pieces.

That’s what I would tell you.

Thank you for it all.

I love who I became because of your journey and then mine.