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The Waters Deep

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When Life is Hard

When Life is Hard.. I blog it.

Let Go said the Tree and the leaves fell

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Everything changes.   Every single thing on this earth changes every second.  Sometimes the changes are so subtle you don’t even notice them.  Other times they make themselves known like the color of the leaves when Fall comes.  So obvious that you’d be a fool to pretend you couldn’t see them.

The season of Death floats in and out and through all other seasons.  It brings with it the greatest of changes, so close and in front of you that it’s blinding and all you can see or think about.  Everything else gets filtered through that lens of pain and loss.

Every leaf that falls, thunders in your ear.  Every raindrop drowns.  The sun feels scorching on your face.  Banana’s taste like chalk.  Tears water the planet.

This season of Death has been long and has left holes where they once were.  Energetic voids.

There wasn’t enough time.  There is never enough time.  The seasons change so quickly.

 

Reflections of our past & future self

Through loss I am born.

Looking down from the past

 

I wonder if we could  look at our lives forward and backwards at the same time, what would we do or have done differently.  Everything or Nothing?

What about me.  What can I do differently?  What can I let go of?

I can let go of the person I was before my parents died.  I am different now.  Through the grief, I can feel this spark in my soul, to be Free.  

I’ve been dragging my past around like a ball and chain.  Holding on to relationships & behaviors that  no longer serve me and haven’t since I was a child.

I am Free.

To choose to let go of the beginning.  To be thankful for it. To embrace the person it has lead me to be.

Everything is perfect.  Forward and Backwards.

 

 

 

You can’t pray it away

Old deserted House

So she’s not dead.  I thought she was when I first walked in.   Slumped over in the frame of the chair, her body motionless and grey.  Empty, like a dilapidated building, once filled with Life.  Where beauty still lingered but only because of Memories that you imagine might have happened there once.

 It strangely hurt my heart more than I had prepared myself for it to hurt, even after all the years of practicing for the inevitable.

Almost 20 years of Prescription Pills and Alcohol.  Each overdose somehow coming as a surprise.  It’s been ‘Food Poisoning’, ‘A stroke’, ‘The Flu’,  a multitude of ailments that we all know aren’t real but no one has the energy to call out.  Again.

I’ve felt like I was standing in some kind of Fog or Mist Horror Story, where no one was willing to admit there was a Monster lurking.  Only me.  Every time I screamed ‘Monster’ another member of the family would disown me.  How dare I be so disrespectful.  Those are ‘good’ people.  ‘Great Friends’.  God Bless them and we’ll pray for them.

They lived in a beautiful perfect home that could have been put together by Martha Stewart herself.  Not anymore.  The money is gone.  Not even enough to finish the small cabin in the woods they are trying to build.  Sleeping on a mattress without sheets and sitting on camp chairs by the woodstove, which is their only source of heat.  Walls and ceiling half finished.  A pantry full of canned Pork & Beans and soup.  A refrigerator full of nothing but beer and wine, no real food.  A washing machine full of folded clothes and shoes, because at some point there was major confusion on how to do a load of laundry.

We talked about it in secret, when no one else was listening because no one else wanted to hear it.  No one wanted to clean up that mess.  In all fairness maybe no one knew how.

You don’t pray away an Opioid & Alcohol addiction.  You don’t sober them up with coffee and a couple AA meetings, or apparently 22 years of them either.  That Monster just lingers in the Mist waiting for the door to be opened.  Waiting for its friend Death to join him at the Party.

This time though, it brought me and my sisters into a room, together, for the first time in 20 years and we all were in agreement on how to proceed.  We left the elephant back at the shack.  We locked arms around the Tree of Life and we talked about being Sisters and we imagined what that might mean now.

We had an amazing shift, where Love was shared.  THAT was a beautiful and unexpected gift.

Thoughts

IMG_0263

My granddaughter tells me that she wishes she could have a different brain because hers does things she doesn’t like.

Especially when she’s trying to fall asleep.  She tells it to be quiet and it just keeps thinking about things like  Monsters and the Little Dinosaur that fell into the raging river.  Then she gets all sad and can’t sleep because her brain won’t listen to her and it never stops thinking scary thoughts.

She is pounding her little fists on her forehead as she tells me this.

I can absolutely relate.

 

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