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The Waters Deep

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The Bloom

Almost three years ago I had a friend, whom had been in my life all of my life, “Let me go”.

Literally, Physically and Mentally. I was “Let Go”.

I didn’t know it at the time but it would turn out to be one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

She told me I was too negative and angry for her. That was her perspective. That’s what she saw and felt from me.  

On my end, I was broken and filled with an intense pain and grief. Three people, whom I loved, had died all within the space and time of 21 days. One of them being my Mother. It was a pain so intense I could barely breath. My brain broke for awhile. A long while.

I couldn’t begin to understand why she chose that time in my life to abandon our friendship and I added it to my pile of loss. So much loss.

And so began the dark dark night of the soul, that started a growth and change that I will forever be grateful for.

I have come to realize, as I processed what happened, that I depended on her heavily.  We talked almost every day on the phone.  Vented and hashed out all the world’s problems. People. We talked about all the people in our lives. And mostly not in a healthy positive way.

I took most of my life cues from her.   

I looked up to her. I wanted to be loved by her. She was frugal with her love. So if I had it I would be the special one. And I was.  Out of all the family, she loved me best. So, I too, discarded relationships and friendships and family members to please her. To be like her. To hold myself above the others. 

Ironically, one of those relationships that I pushed away was my Mother. I let this other person basically replace her.  I put her above my Mom and she knew it.  They all knew it.  My Mom knew it too and I know it broke her heart.  But I justified it. 

Then she died. My Mom died.  And it all broke.  And I couldn’t fix it.  I couldn’t change it.  I’ve had to see it.  ALL the things.  Feel it.  ALL the feelings.  Grieve for myself and all that been lost. 

Then.  Slowly.  So slowly.  Forgive myself and be at peace with it.

In the healing process I was reborn as myself because I had to do it myself.  There was no one there to help create who I thought I should be.

 I became able to allow in all the love that I had pushed away for so long. I made room for relationships and friendships that I never thought would be possible. 

I’ve learned to not try to be what others want to see. 

I just AM. 

When my Dad died over a year ago, she called to tell me, not that she was sorry for my loss really, although she did mention it, but mostly I think it was an opportunity for her to confirm with me that she had made the right decision for herself,  ending our toxic relationship.  I was, again, mind-boggled by her timing, but it gave me another opportunity for reflection over the ways I’ve always allowed people to treat me. 

It is true that everything that comes our way can be turned into a learning experience if we are willing to allow it.

I have always fought the end of relationships that should have ended long before they did. And then only with gnashing of the teeth and pulling of the hair.

Fear of Abandonment. Fear of being shamed.  Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of not being loved.  All those things. She made me see all of those things with such a clarity.

Fear that I would not be liked for the person that I am, that all the emotions I thought I had well-hidden would be seen and thrown back at me like swords.

All the things I feared were laid bare. Right there in front of me. I saw Truth.

Those two phone calls from her changed me and allowed me to Bloom into this person that I really love and care for.

Now I show all the emotions. I feel all the feelings. I shout out all the anger. I cry all the tears. I laugh with all the Joy. I AM all the things. All the feelings. I no longer have any shame about that.

Today, I feel a peaceful ending to that relationship and nothing but gratitude and love for the purpose it served in my life.

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The story’s we tell

SnowThe story’s I tell myself are rarely the whole truth.   They come in strong, they feel real, but can change directions, like the winds at the edge of the ocean.

I believe the absolute truth of them until something shifts internally and I drift into another thought or belief pattern that has been there, waiting for me to see.  

Don’t set my words, thoughts and beliefs in concrete, because as I learn, grow & dream, they will change.

Today’s words don’t have to be the eternal truth.  They are just part of my story that I bring back from my Dreams.  The words are just bits and pieces of Now but not Everything.

In one story my parents are dead.  They are gone and can’t be touched ever again.  Ashes to Ashes.

Then in another story, the one where I close my eyes and drift into the unknown place, they are there laughing and telling me that everything is perfect and I’ll be all right.  They are fine.  I am fine.  I can touch my Mom in that story.  Feel her soft cheek against mine.  I can hear her say, “Oh honey” with so much love that I bring real tears, from that story, into the other.  I bring the Love too.  It’s not a word it’s a feeling.

Does a time and a place exist where this story is real?  Yes.  I just don’t have a label big enough for it.

The bad story’s.  They are fading farther and farther away.  I no longer want to tell them, to myself or to anyone else.  They no longer feel like they are a part of me.  I have let them go.  I have changed the script.  Because I can.

The Dreams are real.  Everything else is unpredictable & ever changing.

 

Let Go said the Tree and the leaves fell

Photos Library

Everything changes.   Every single thing on this earth changes every second.  Sometimes the changes are so subtle you don’t even notice them.  Other times they make themselves known like the color of the leaves when Fall comes.  So obvious that you’d be a fool to pretend you couldn’t see them.

The season of Death floats in and out and through all other seasons.  It brings with it the greatest of changes, so close and in front of you that it’s blinding and all you can see or think about.  Everything else gets filtered through that lens of pain and loss.

Every leaf that falls, thunders in your ear.  Every raindrop drowns.  The sun feels scorching on your face.  Banana’s taste like chalk.  Tears water the planet.

This season of Death has been long and has left holes where they once were.  Energetic voids.

There wasn’t enough time.  There is never enough time.  The seasons change so quickly.

 

Saying No & saying Yes to Self-Love

Saying NO without an explanation is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

I said Yes to everything.   It’s how I ended up in two marriages I knew weren’t going to be good for me and in jobs that made me miserable.  I really committed to my Yes.  Then I was mad at everyone but me, not realizing I had all the power to change it.

I’d say Yes to almost anything.   A dinner that I didn’t want to go to.  A task I didn’t want to do.  An errand I didn’t have time to run.  A family reunion I knew I should avoid.  Yes.  Sure.  Ok.  Words that so easily popped out of my mouth.

Brain is saying, “Stop it.  Say No”.   Mouth is saying, “Absolutely, I’d love to do that for you”.

The struggle is real.60024135_125x125

 

I’d like to say I’ve totally got this one in the bag now.  I don’t.  But it’s getting better.

Pause.  Let Go of the urge to just say Yes, because it’s the easy way out.  Press my lips together as I consciously review if saying Yes is going to ‘cost me’ and if I have the energy reserves to do it without resentment.

I’ve also learned that a simple and kind, “Oh I can’t”  shuts the door on any attempts to convince you that you can and you will.   If you give People excuses or little white lies they’ll see a crack.  They’ll poke their foot in and start wiggling that door open.  They’ll get out the mighty ‘sword of guilt’, and chop the door hinges off.

Once that little excuse or lie comes out of your mouth you’ve really just said Maybe, and will soon be using up extra energy bucks to stomp around the house mad again.

As a child I was taught to do what other people wanted me to do, without question.  ‘No’ was met with a swift smack on the head.  It was disrespectful and rude.   It was Selfish.  

This is a truth I’ve had to un-tell myself.  It’s work.   But it’s worth it.

Saying NO, with no explanation why it doesn’t work for you, is a quick boundary we should never be afraid to put up.

It’s an expression of Self Love.

You can’t pray it away

Old deserted House

So she’s not dead.  I thought she was when I first walked in.   Slumped over in the frame of the chair, her body motionless and grey.  Empty, like a dilapidated building, once filled with Life.  Where beauty still lingered but only because of Memories that you imagine might have happened there once.

 It strangely hurt my heart more than I had prepared myself for it to hurt, even after all the years of practicing for the inevitable.

Almost 20 years of Prescription Pills and Alcohol.  Each overdose somehow coming as a surprise.  It’s been ‘Food Poisoning’, ‘A stroke’, ‘The Flu’,  a multitude of ailments that we all know aren’t real but no one has the energy to call out.  Again.

I’ve felt like I was standing in some kind of Fog or Mist Horror Story, where no one was willing to admit there was a Monster lurking.  Only me.  Every time I screamed ‘Monster’ another member of the family would disown me.  How dare I be so disrespectful.  Those are ‘good’ people.  ‘Great Friends’.  God Bless them and we’ll pray for them.

They lived in a beautiful perfect home that could have been put together by Martha Stewart herself.  Not anymore.  The money is gone.  Not even enough to finish the small cabin in the woods they are trying to build.  Sleeping on a mattress without sheets and sitting on camp chairs by the woodstove, which is their only source of heat.  Walls and ceiling half finished.  A pantry full of canned Pork & Beans and soup.  A refrigerator full of nothing but beer and wine, no real food.  A washing machine full of folded clothes and shoes, because at some point there was major confusion on how to do a load of laundry.

We talked about it in secret, when no one else was listening because no one else wanted to hear it.  No one wanted to clean up that mess.  In all fairness maybe no one knew how.

You don’t pray away an Opioid & Alcohol addiction.  You don’t sober them up with coffee and a couple AA meetings, or apparently 22 years of them either.  That Monster just lingers in the Mist waiting for the door to be opened.  Waiting for its friend Death to join him at the Party.

This time though, it brought me and my sisters into a room, together, for the first time in 20 years and we all were in agreement on how to proceed.  We left the elephant back at the shack.  We locked arms around the Tree of Life and we talked about being Sisters and we imagined what that might mean now.

We had an amazing shift, where Love was shared.  THAT was a beautiful and unexpected gift.

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