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The Waters Deep

Life's about swimming to the top and dancing on the waves!

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My granddaughter tells me that she wishes she could have a different brain because hers does things she doesn’t like.

Especially when she’s trying to fall asleep.  She tells it to be quiet and it just keeps thinking about things like  Monsters and the Little Dinosaur that fell into the raging river.  Then she gets all sad and can’t sleep because her brain won’t listen to her and it never stops thinking scary thoughts.

She is pounding her little fists on her forehead as she tells me this.   She is only 4 and she understands that her thoughts are not to be listened to and the desire is to learn how not to.

 

Hope

Serene and beautiful places make me grateful to be alive. 

My wish is that every person on this planet should experience moments such as these.  

Filled with Peace and Love and the very greatness that our Earth has to offer. 

I am thankful for another day and yet filled with heartbreaking sorrow for those that have needlessly lost that.  

Hoping that, through tragedy, the world will find a common ground and a connection of Love. 

Today. Tomorrow. Be kind. Find peace.  Remain Hopeful. 

The Fear of Loss

No matter what happens around me, or to me, as long as I am alive enough to see the sun and the moon rising I can still grow and love and life is amazing regardless of Loss.


This week I stood, once again, over a hospital bed watching a family member recover from an over indulgence of Doctor Prescribed Medication and Budweiser.  Her face a puffy caricature of the  beautiful high cheek boned person I knew.   Once perfect lips dry and cracked and almost undetectable except for the tongue that keeps darting out as she tries to form what I can only guess are words, a hopelessly failed attempt to convince the doctor she has Food Poisoning.  Her eyes yellowed and blood shot, an obvious cry of help from a Liver that seems almost ready to take a permanent vacation from a body that has become way to much work to maintain.  Nicotine stained fingers tinged with a hint of blue, her lungs are not awake enough to take in air but not dead enough to completely stop.

I just want to go home.

I stand there looking at her husband, who is studying the lines on the floor as if they are going to give him the secret answer to the Universe and think, “You watch her sober up or die.  Not me.  You are the one lying to the doctors.  You know the Truth.  Why will you not share it?”  He catches me staring and I see Fear.  It has rendered him speechless.  I want to slap him.

So I walk to the nurses station and tell them her real story.  The truth that she has been struggling with prescription drug addiction for 15+ years.

Plenty of Fluids later and she has recovered miraculously from ‘Food Poisoning’.  They are going to walk her and then she will be released.  It’s no longer an emergency.  This time I don’t beg the doctor to send her to rehab.  I’m not angry.  I’m not really anything except tired.

The next day we have our ‘day after’ talk where I tell her she’s going to die and ask if that’s the Legacy she wishes to leave behind.  I remind her that her mother died from a cocktail of alcohol and pills.  She cries.  She tells me she’s sorry and it won’t happen again.

It’s the same as always. The only difference this time is that I have let go of the Fear of losing her.  I have let go of the responsibility to try to make her sober.  I have let go.

I hug her like it might be the last time I ever see her, because it might.  I look into her hungover eyes and will her to understand that she is loved.

I walk away without any Fear of Loss and I walk back to my life where the birds are chirping, bees are buzzing, my dog is farting, my kids are calling and my husband is hammering on something in the kitchen.

No loss, except my own life, will kill me.  There is Freedom in that Truth.

“Let go” said the Earth, and the trees let out their breath.

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Big Clumps of hair

Trentens pic

Last night I dreamt that my hair was falling out in big nasty clumps the size of a silver dollar or bigger.  I was at a Halloween dance and I pretended it was part of my costume, even to myself.  I left the party in a pickup truck and was driving home in the dark.  I was thinking and thinking about the awfulness of my problem and the corners on the road kept getting tighter and tighter and I was having a hard time keeping myself on the road.  Then I didn’t.  I came around a corner and just had a calmness about me as I missed the turn.  I knew I couldn’t stop it or control it.  In slow motion I tumbled off the road and through the air.  I thought to myself, “of course there’s no ditch”.  Down and down I went and crashed at the bottom.  I wasn’t thinking about my hair anymore.  I was thinking about the physical pain and wondering if my soul could live through it.  I went to school the next day but everything was so loud and I couldn’t understand the words anymore.  And I hurt everywhere.  My hair was completely gone and I’d let one of the ‘druggy’ Emo art students paint a kaleidoscope of 3 dimensional scenes where my hair used to be.  But I couldn’t stand all the noise and the chatter. I couldn’t stand all the people.  It was just to much work to be there.  I had to go where it was quiet.  I sat on the top of a hill and watched them playing down below, I looked up and saw the brightness that the world can be.  I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t sad.  I just was. And it was ok for now.

I think I may be tired of dealing with people this week.  And my youngest daughter’s hair has started falling out.  She called me last night to tell me she had three more bald spots.  It made my stomach hurt.   I think it scares me more than it does her.  She simply sweeps the rest of her thick dark hair over the big bald spots and bobby pins it.  Moves on with her day.  She has the ability to compartmentalize in a manner that probably saves her from going completely crazy from the stress she has in her life.  I do not have the same gift.  So I’m closer to crazy than I normally like to be.

 

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