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The Waters Deep

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Life

No one saves us but ourselves

worrydoll******

AS we move forward ‘positive cases’ will eventually pop up in our Area.  More and more of them. Probably more than we can count.

Don’t let fear cause you to shame ANYONE or to point fingers.

Let the truth that it is here quietly sink in.  Some will hear it.  Others won’t.

Let it help you decide just how essential that trip to the store is, or that camp trip, or that hike on the busy trail. Can it wait 14 days?  If not, fair enough.  But if it can.  Stay Home.

Be a problem solver. WHAT in the world can’t wait 14 days when the consequence is death or scarred lungs or grandma lying in a casket because you went to a party and brought home death.  Stop It.

On a good day BUSY is awesome for everyone.  It’s great for the economy.  But when people in all four corners of our country are piling up and being put in refrigeration trucks right outside the hospital, maybe not so good.

No panic. Breathe.  Hold your space.

RIGHT now. This week. Next week. Is the time.

****Media from Wisdom of the buddha deck  ~ Artwork Matthew Smith

#stayhome #pleasestayhome #whynotstayhome #staythefuckathome 

The story’s we tell

SnowThe story’s I tell myself are rarely the whole truth.   They come in strong, they feel real, but can change directions, like the winds at the edge of the ocean.

I believe the absolute truth of them until something shifts internally and I drift into another thought or belief pattern that has been there, waiting for me to see.  

Don’t set my words, thoughts and beliefs in concrete, because as I learn, grow & dream, they will change.

Today’s words don’t have to be the eternal truth.  They are just part of my story that I bring back from my Dreams.  The words are just bits and pieces of Now but not Everything.

In one story my parents are dead.  They are gone and can’t be touched ever again.  Ashes to Ashes.

Then in another story, the one where I close my eyes and drift into the unknown place, they are there laughing and telling me that everything is perfect and I’ll be all right.  They are fine.  I am fine.  I can touch my Mom in that story.  Feel her soft cheek against mine.  I can hear her say, “Oh honey” with so much love that I bring real tears, from that story, into the other.  I bring the Love too.  It’s not a word it’s a feeling.

Does a time and a place exist where this story is real?  Yes.  I just don’t have a label big enough for it.

The bad story’s.  They are fading farther and farther away.  I no longer want to tell them, to myself or to anyone else.  They no longer feel like they are a part of me.  I have let them go.  I have changed the script.  Because I can.

The Dreams are real.  Everything else is unpredictable & ever changing.

 

I dreamt about you last night

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You were sickly and in a wheel chair.  But then you were swept up on what started out as a zipline, flying between electrical wires that changed to a magic carpet twisting and turning through the sky that was filled with giant bright colored animals.  I was worried you’d fall off.  You could barely walk.  I had to look away.  I was walking down a road with all the people I knew and loved.  I was looking for my sister.  She was magnificently beautiful and I had heard she loved you too.  I was afraid she’d take you from me.  Afraid you’d love her more.  I wanted to find her.  Threaten her.  Tell her to stop.  Then you were there again.  Walking beside us with a cigar in your mouth.  Laughing and joking.  Everyone’s attention was on you.  Everyone loved you.  You loved everyone.  We rode on your wheel chair for awhile.  Your arms around me and mine around you.  Then you were gone.  Off to visit and laugh and love with someone else.  I was invisible.  Watching everyone from far away.  They were walking faster and faster.  I wasn’t going to keep up.  I was staying behind.  I waved goodbye but everyone was moving forward, to something I couldn’t see yet.  I felt sadness but not sadness.

Saying No & saying Yes to Self-Love

Saying NO without an explanation is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

I said Yes to everything.   It’s how I ended up in two marriages I knew weren’t going to be good for me and in jobs that made me miserable.  I really committed to my Yes.  Then I was mad at everyone but me, not realizing I had all the power to change it.

I’d say Yes to almost anything.   A dinner that I didn’t want to go to.  A task I didn’t want to do.  An errand I didn’t have time to run.  A family reunion I knew I should avoid.  Yes.  Sure.  Ok.  Words that so easily popped out of my mouth.

Brain is saying, “Stop it.  Say No”.   Mouth is saying, “Absolutely, I’d love to do that for you”.

The struggle is real.60024135_125x125

 

I’d like to say I’ve totally got this one in the bag now.  I don’t.  But it’s getting better.

Pause.  Let Go of the urge to just say Yes, because it’s the easy way out.  Press my lips together as I consciously review if saying Yes is going to ‘cost me’ and if I have the energy reserves to do it without resentment.

I’ve also learned that a simple and kind, “Oh I can’t”  shuts the door on any attempts to convince you that you can and you will.   If you give People excuses or little white lies they’ll see a crack.  They’ll poke their foot in and start wiggling that door open.  They’ll get out the mighty ‘sword of guilt’, and chop the door hinges off.

Once that little excuse or lie comes out of your mouth you’ve really just said Maybe, and will soon be using up extra energy bucks to stomp around the house mad again.

As a child I was taught to do what other people wanted me to do, without question.  ‘No’ was met with a swift smack on the head.  It was disrespectful and rude.   It was Selfish.  

This is a truth I’ve had to un-tell myself.  It’s work.   But it’s worth it.

Saying NO, with no explanation why it doesn’t work for you, is a quick boundary we should never be afraid to put up.

It’s an expression of Self Love.

Evolving from Fight or Flight

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Most of my life I’ve struggled seeing the beautiful life right in front of me.

Joyful moments.  They never rang true.  Never lasted.   If I waited long enough or just peered around the corner I’d see the bad things coming.  I’d create them if I had to.

I was stuck in the belief pattern that Good things don’t happen to me.  Good people don’t happen to me.  I don’t deserve to be Loved.

As a child I lived in constant fear.  I was always in Fight or Flight mode.  There was no downtime.  Either parent could blow at any given time.  Sometimes separate and sometimes together.  You did everything with one ear open.  Listening for trouble.  Ready to hide when it came, if you were fast enough to get out of the way.   If not, you better be ready to fight.

We are genetically engineered for Fight or Flight.  It’s how we have survived since the beginning of time.  When that DNA is fired up as children we end up carrying it, like a torch,  into our adult life.  Drawing to us the same kinds of relationships that require us to rely on that familiar response system.  There’s some comfort knowing your terrain.

For me, it took a dark knight of the soul to break free from those patterns.  A complete breakdown of everything I knew to be true and a rebuild of my thoughts and beliefs.   I didn’t do this alone.  I got myself a great therapist who helped me unpack a few shipping containers of trauma.

I still have moments where I’m feeling absolute Joy and my brain will start wandering into dark territory.  I’ll see it.  Recognize that it’s Fear.  Breath deeply and let it go with my breath.  Touch my heart.  Give myself permission to be happy.  Really happy.  In every cell of my body.

I bring myself back to the moment I’m in and focus my thoughts on just that.  The Bliss.  I remind myself that I really do deserve to feel all the joy that comes to me.  All the love.  I’ll say the words out loud.  “You deserve this Joy.  You deserve this Love”.  Breath.

Fight or Flight.  I see you.  I just don’t need you anymore.  There’s been an Evolution.

Then comes the gratitude.  The overwhelming gratitude for a beautiful Joy filled life.

 

 

 

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