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The Waters Deep

Life's about swimming to the top and dancing on the waves!

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Unconditional Love~thats what its all about!

There is a moment in life where we choose what kind of human we are going to be.  Some of us do it consciously and some don’t.

Over the years I’ve started to choose who I want to be based on consequences from past choices and the Legacy I want to leave behind.  As I grow older its not been that difficult since the consequences come rapidly and I’m able to make the connection fairly quickly.  Choices.  Consequences.  Bamm.  See where you went wrong, make a note for future.

In my twenty’s I was an enthusiastic and very self righteous judgmental Lutheran.   I’m not saying all Lutherans are that way.  But I was.

I also belonged to a women’s supposedly non-denomination bible study called  Bible Study Fellowship, that preached love to all Christian religions but quietly had their own set of Strict Doctrine.  As a Leader we had to exemplify perfection.  They told us how to pray.  They told us how to dress.  No divorces.  No drinking.  No inappropriate clothing.  Near Perfection.  It was exhausting, but I went all out and did what I could to help family and friends be perfect as well.  I was awesome like that.  Oh, the ignorance and ego of my young self.

The consequences of that self-righteous judgement  was brought home to me when we were cleaning out my Grandmothers home when she died.   On the table, by her bed, was a worn out and much read letter from me.  I was at first honored that she would have a letter from me that she obviously kept so close to her.

And then I read it.  And then I wept with guilt.  I remembered writing it and feeling so full of indignation that she was living a lifestyle of such debauchery.  Multiple boyfriends, dancing and partying, smoking and drinking.  I felt it was my right as her granddaughter to set her on the path to God and Perfection.

My harsh words of condemnation that she read over and over and over again were the last thing she got from me and I can only imagine how she felt each time she read them.

That Moment.  Choices and Words, that I could never take back ,changed my life forever.

She comes to visit me in my dreams.  I tell her I love her.  Just that.

Love.  Unconditional Non-judgmental Love.  Because we are all connected.  One and the same.

Big Clumps of hair

Trentens pic

Last night I dreamt that my hair was falling out in big nasty clumps the size of a silver dollar or bigger.  I was at a Halloween dance and I pretended it was part of my costume, even to myself.  I left the party in a pickup truck and was driving home in the dark.  I was thinking and thinking about the awfulness of my problem and the corners on the road kept getting tighter and tighter and I was having a hard time keeping myself on the road.  Then I didn’t.  I came around a corner and just had a calmness about me as I missed the turn.  I knew I couldn’t stop it or control it.  In slow motion I tumbled off the road and through the air.  I thought to myself, “of course there’s no ditch”.  Down and down I went and crashed at the bottom.  I wasn’t thinking about my hair anymore.  I was thinking about the physical pain and wondering if my soul could live through it.  I went to school the next day but everything was so loud and I couldn’t understand the words anymore.  And I hurt everywhere.  My hair was completely gone and I’d let one of the ‘druggy’ Emo art students paint a kaleidoscope of 3 dimensional scenes where my hair used to be.  But I couldn’t stand all the noise and the chatter. I couldn’t stand all the people.  It was just to much work to be there.  I had to go where it was quiet.  I sat on the top of a hill and watched them playing down below, I looked up and saw the brightness that the world can be.  I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t sad.  I just was. And it was ok for now.

I think I may be tired of dealing with people this week.  And my youngest daughter’s hair has started falling out.  She called me last night to tell me she had three more bald spots.  It made my stomach hurt.   I think it scares me more than it does her.  She simply sweeps the rest of her thick dark hair over the big bald spots and bobby pins it.  Moves on with her day.  She has the ability to compartmentalize in a manner that probably saves her from going completely crazy from the stress she has in her life.  I do not have the same gift.  So I’m closer to crazy than I normally like to be.

 

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