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The Waters Deep

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Reflections

I dreamt about you last night

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You were sickly and in a wheel chair.  But then you were swept up on what started out as a zipline, flying between electrical wires that changed to a magic carpet twisting and turning through the sky that was filled with giant bright colored animals.  I was worried you’d fall off.  You could barely walk.  I had to look away.  I was walking down a road with all the people I knew and loved.  I was looking for my sister.  She was magnificently beautiful and I had heard she loved you too.  I was afraid she’d take you from me.  Afraid you’d love her more.  I wanted to find her.  Threaten her.  Tell her to stop.  Then you were there again.  Walking beside us with a cigar in your mouth.  Laughing and joking.  Everyone’s attention was on you.  Everyone loved you.  You loved everyone.  We rode on your wheel chair for awhile.  Your arms around me and mine around you.  Then you were gone.  Off to visit and laugh and love with someone else.  I was invisible.  Watching everyone from far away.  They were walking faster and faster.  I wasn’t going to keep up.  I was staying behind.  I waved goodbye but everyone was moving forward, to something I couldn’t see yet.  I felt sadness but not sadness.

Saying No & saying Yes to Self-Love

Saying NO without an explanation is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

I said Yes to everything.   It’s how I ended up in two marriages I knew weren’t going to be good for me and in jobs that made me miserable.  I really committed to my Yes.  Then I was mad at everyone but me, not realizing I had all the power to change it.

I’d say Yes to almost anything.   A dinner that I didn’t want to go to.  A task I didn’t want to do.  An errand I didn’t have time to run.  A family reunion I knew I should avoid.  Yes.  Sure.  Ok.  Words that so easily popped out of my mouth.

Brain is saying, “Stop it.  Say No”.   Mouth is saying, “Absolutely, I’d love to do that for you”.

The struggle is real.60024135_125x125

 

I’d like to say I’ve totally got this one in the bag now.  I don’t.  But it’s getting better.

Pause.  Let Go of the urge to just say Yes, because it’s the easy way out.  Press my lips together as I consciously review if saying Yes is going to ‘cost me’ and if I have the energy reserves to do it without resentment.

I’ve also learned that a simple and kind, “Oh I can’t”  shuts the door on any attempts to convince you that you can and you will.   If you give People excuses or little white lies they’ll see a crack.  They’ll poke their foot in and start wiggling that door open.  They’ll get out the mighty ‘sword of guilt’, and chop the door hinges off.

Once that little excuse or lie comes out of your mouth you’ve really just said Maybe, and will soon be using up extra energy bucks to stomp around the house mad again.

As a child I was taught to do what other people wanted me to do, without question.  ‘No’ was met with a swift smack on the head.  It was disrespectful and rude.   It was Selfish.  

This is a truth I’ve had to un-tell myself.  It’s work.   But it’s worth it.

Saying NO, with no explanation why it doesn’t work for you, is a quick boundary we should never be afraid to put up.

It’s an expression of Self Love.

Are you an emotional thief?

Are you taking emotions that don’t belong to you?  Sucking them through the air, wrapping them around you like a wool cloak, letting nothing else in.  Wearing it as if it was yours in the first place.

When they are happy joyful emotions it can lift you up when you are feeling down and blah.  But if it’s not yours you can end up feeling emptier than you were in the first place.   Hollow like a chocolate egg.  Easy to crack open and see that there’s nothing but emptiness inside.

Sad, angry or depressed emotions are even harder to shake off.  They penetrate and lay just under the surface.  Thick enough to confuse you into thinking they might be yours.

When I get a surge of any emotion I like to pause, look at it and make sure it really belongs to me.  Examine the circumstances.  Ask the questions, “Am I really angry?”.  “Does this make my heart feel happy and content?”.  “Why am I sad?”

“Is this mine?”

If the answer is No, bat it away like a beach ball that has been flung at you.  Say to yourself, “Nope.  Not Mine”.

You can have empathy for other people.  You can feel happy or sad for them.  But if you wrap it around your shoulders and pack it through your day, you won’t have the energy to pack your own.

Beach ball.   Not Mine.  Not today.

Energy Bucks

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Every day we wake up with Energy Bucks and we start spending them the second we put our feet on the floor.

Making Coffee, 5 Bucks.   Brushing Teeth, 5 Bucks.  Getting Dressed, 10 Bucks.  Reading emails, 40 Bucks.  Trying on that pair of jeans you know won’t fit.  Boom.  Out of Energy Bucks.

I figure I have about 100 Energy Bucks for the day.  Most days I’ve spent that before noon.

I used to just pretend to myself that I had more Energy than I did.  I’d march forward like a martyr on a mission.  I had tasks to complete and people to make happy.   Pushing myself through the day with a ‘can do’ attitude.  Waiting for that “second wind”, that usually came just before bedtime.

Until I just couldn’t anymore.  When my Mom died my legs got kicked out from under me and my brain said, “No More. We’re empty.  Rest Me and we’ll start fresh in about 6 months”.  

I had to start counting my Energy bucks and using them wisely.

I learned what ‘cost’ me and how to decide what I needed to say No to.

I started to find ways to add to my Energy Bank by doing things that fulfilled me.  Yoga.  Meditation. Drinking Water.  Consciously breathing.  Journaling.  Stopping to listen to a favorite song, the whole thing, not just blips as I ran around the house cleaning.

 Five minutes with the sun on my face.  Feeling Gratitude.  Really taking the time to close my eyes and FEEL it.  Send the message to every cell.

I create and prioritize the time to take care of myself.  Every day.  Because not only do I deserve it, I need it.

No one can run on empty forever.

Reflections of our past & future self

Through loss I am born.

Looking down from the past

 

I wonder if we could  look at our lives forward and backwards at the same time, what would we do or have done differently.  Everything or Nothing?

What about me.  What can I do differently?  What can I let go of?

I can let go of the person I was before my parents died.  I am different now.  Through the grief, I can feel this spark in my soul, to be Free.  

I’ve been dragging my past around like a ball and chain.  Holding on to relationships & behaviors that  no longer serve me and haven’t since I was a child.

I am Free.

To choose to let go of the beginning.  To be thankful for it. To embrace the person it has lead me to be.

Everything is perfect.  Forward and Backwards.

 

 

 

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