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The Waters Deep

Life's about swimming to the top and dancing on the waves!

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Family

You can’t pray it away

Old deserted House

So My mother is not dead.  I thought she was when I first walked in.   Slumped over in the frame of the chair, her body motionless and grey.  Empty like a dilapidated building that once was filled with Life.  Where beauty still lingered but only because of Memories that you imagine might have happened there once.

 It strangely hurt my heart more than I had prepared myself for it to hurt (all these years of saying goodbye).  That’s knowledge that will be good for me to have. 

Almost 20 years watching her and my father destroying their lives and our family with Prescription Pills and Alcohol.  Each overdose somehow coming as a surprise.  It’s been ‘Food Poisoning’, ‘A stroke’, ‘The Flu’,  a multitude of ailments that we all know aren’t real but no one had the energy to call out.  Again.

I’ve felt like I was standing in some kind of Fog or Mist Horror Story, where no one was willing to admit there was a Monster lurking.  Only me.  Every time I screamed ‘Monster’ another member of the family would disown me.  How dare I be so disrespectful.  Those are ‘good’ people.  ‘Great Friends’.  God Bless them and we’ll pray for them.

They lived in a beautiful perfect home that could have been put together by Martha Stewart herself.  Not anymore.  The money is gone.  Not even enough to finish the small cabin in the woods they are trying to build.  Sleeping on a mattress without sheets and sitting on camp chairs by the woodstove, which is their only source of heat.  Walls and ceiling half finished.  A pantry full of canned Pork & Beans and soup.  A refrigerator full of nothing but beer and wine, no real food.  A washing machine full of folded clothes and shoes, because at some point there was major confusion on how to do a load of laundry.

Picture perfect Christians.  Only their children and spouses & grandchildren saw behind that curtain.  We talked about it in secret, when no one else was listening.  Because they had all seen the reactions from the Non-Believers when we allowed the Elephant out.  No one wanted to clean up that mess.  In fairness maybe no one knew how.  Us girls, their kids, sure could have used some help all these years.

You don’t pray away an Opioid & Alcohol addiction.  You don’t sober them up with coffee and a couple AA meetings, or apparently 22 years of them either.  That Monster just lingers in the Mist waiting for the door to be opened.  Waiting for its friend Death to join him at the Party.

This time though, it brought me and my sisters into a room, together, for the first time in 20 years and we all were in agreement on how to proceed.  We left the elephant back at the shack.  We locked arms around the Tree of Life and we talked about being Sisters and we imagined what that might mean now.

We had an amazing shift, where Love was shared.  THAT was a beautiful and unexpected gift.

Sad & Ashamed

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I am sadly observing the happy reaction of my friends and family as our world spins out of control because of the man they voted into the Oval Office.  I am ashamed.

The last 11 days and the insane chaos that is happening in my country has literally made me feel like I am bursting at the seam.  I don’t know if I want to hide under a pillow or get a plane ticket and go March somewhere.  Anywhere.

I’m not just talking about the chaos that our new President and his band of nitwits has strummed up.  That is almost to mind boggling to process.

I’m talking about every person I know who is supporting it.  That is what’s making me crazy.  It’s breaking my heart.

I’ve come to realize that I really didn’t know 99% of the people I’m friends with.  I really didn’t know my family and maybe I really didn’t even know myself.

I am THAT person who is struggling to continue to be friends with the same people who are excited that Trump is doing what he said he’d do in the campaign.  He is doing ALL of it.  I had hoped, like more than half the country hoped, that he’d be like most Presidents and do almost nothing he promised in the campaign.  Not this time.  He did it all in 11 days.

And his supporters say… BOOM… MIC DROP… take that bad awful Liberals and Democrats who want to share our country with ‘others’ who don’t belong.  America First!  What in the hell does that even mean.  Do you hear yourselves?

To them I say, “How can you NOT see that this is going to hurt you too?  Not just (new) immigrants and Mexicans… but YOU.  YOU are going to suffer economically and you deserve it.  You are going to lose land you hunt and fish on.  You are not going to be able to afford all the material things you love so much more than human life.  Most of you will know someone who dies because they no longer have health insurance.”   Short sighted much?

He pushed America right off the cliff and I’m stunned by how many people jumped willingly.  Look at us fly.  With no parachutes.  To the bottom of the rocky canyon.

So what does a person do with all their friends who are happy about what he’s doing and will do?  Pretend you don’t know they feel that way?  Pretend I don’t care?  Doesn’t that make me a hypocrite?

How can we go back to that ignorant bliss?

I’m just not sure that I can.  I know I’m supposed to.  I know I should.

It might take some time.  I may have to sit back and be quiet and just observe for awhile until I can find that place in my heart where I love them anyway.

Thoughts

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My granddaughter tells me that she wishes she could have a different brain because hers does things she doesn’t like.

Especially when she’s trying to fall asleep.  She tells it to be quiet and it just keeps thinking about things like  Monsters and the Little Dinosaur that fell into the raging river with his Daddy, who drowned.  Then she gets all sad and can’t sleep because her brain won’t listen to her and it never stops thinking.

She is pounding her little fists on her forehead as she tells me this.   She is only 4 but can articulate and is insightful in ways that astound me.

I am 47 and have not figured out to make my brain stop thinking and creating scenarios that are completely untrue.

Turns out I’m not the only one.

 

Pandora’s Box

cropped-baby2.jpgI sat at a restaurant and listened to a family member vomit racist comments until I was banging my head on the table and begging her to stop.  We were discussing the election.

This election feels like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

A Pandora’s box has been opened.  Will there be hope left after its closed?  There has to be.

Have we changed or have  these thoughts and feelings been lurking just under the surface, of so many people we know and love, and are now bursting forth in the form of offensive meme’s and hateful comments on social media?  I think both.

Fear.  That fire has been fanned and encouraged.

America won’t be made greater with more hate and venom.

America will be made greater with empathy and love.

THAT and a little less late night sharing on Twitter.

 

 

Unconditional Love~thats what its all about!

There is a moment in life where we choose what kind of human we are going to be.  Some of us do it consciously and some don’t.

Over the years I’ve started to choose who I want to be based on consequences from past choices and the Legacy I want to leave behind.  As I grow older its not been that difficult since the consequences come rapidly and I’m able to make the connection fairly quickly.  Choices.  Consequences.  Bamm.  See where you went wrong, make a note for future.

In my twenty’s I was an enthusiastic and very self righteous judgmental Lutheran.   I’m not saying all Lutherans are that way.  But I was.

I also belonged to a women’s supposedly non-denomination bible study called  Bible Study Fellowship, that preached love to all Christian religions but quietly had their own set of Strict Doctrine.  As a Leader we had to exemplify perfection.  They told us how to pray.  They told us how to dress.  No divorces.  No drinking.  No inappropriate clothing.  Near Perfection.  It was exhausting, but I went all out and did what I could to help family and friends be perfect as well.  I was awesome like that.  Oh, the ignorance and ego of my young self.

The consequences of that self-righteous judgement  was brought home to me when we were cleaning out my Grandmothers home when she died.   On the table, by her bed, was a worn out and much read letter from me.  I was at first honored that she would have a letter from me that she obviously kept so close to her.

And then I read it.  And then I wept with guilt.  I remembered writing it and feeling so full of indignation that she was living a lifestyle of such debauchery.  Multiple boyfriends, dancing and partying, smoking and drinking.  I felt it was my right as her granddaughter to set her on the path to God and Perfection.

My harsh words of condemnation that she read over and over and over again were the last thing she got from me and I can only imagine how she felt each time she read them.

That Moment.  Choices and Words that I could never take back changed my life forever.

Twenty-some years later, I look back and remember feeling a ‘shift’ towards a different thought pattern and belief system.

She comes to visit me in my dreams.  I tell her I love her.  Just that.  Because that is what its about, this life.  Love.  Unconditional Non-judgmental Love.

What a beautiful world it would be if we could all embrace each other, hold hands, and love the differences that we are.

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