Most of my life I’ve struggled seeing the beautiful life right in front of me.
Joyful moments. They never rang true. Never lasted. If I waited long enough or just peered around the corner I’d see the bad things coming. I’d create them if I had to.
I was stuck in the belief pattern that Good things don’t happen to me. Good people don’t happen to me. I don’t deserve to be Loved.
As a child I lived in constant fear. I was always in Fight or Flight mode. There was no downtime. Either parent could blow at any given time. Sometimes separate and sometimes together. You did everything with one ear open. Listening for trouble. Ready to hide when it came, if you were fast enough to get out of the way. If not, you better be ready to fight.
We are genetically engineered for Fight or Flight. It’s how we have survived since the beginning of time. When that DNA is fired up as children we end up carrying it, like a torch, into our adult life. Drawing to us the same kinds of relationships that require us to rely on that familiar response system. There’s some comfort knowing your terrain.
For me, it took a dark knight of the soul to break free from those patterns. A complete breakdown of everything I knew to be true and a rebuild of my thoughts and beliefs. I didn’t do this alone. I got myself a great therapist who helped me unpack a few shipping containers of trauma.
I still have moments where I’m feeling absolute Joy and my brain will start wandering into dark territory. I’ll see it. Recognize that it’s Fear. Breath deeply and let it go with my breath. Touch my heart. Give myself permission to be happy. Really happy. In every cell of my body.
I bring myself back to the moment I’m in and focus my thoughts on just that. The Bliss. I remind myself that I really do deserve to feel all the joy that comes to me. All the love. I’ll say the words out loud. “You deserve this Joy. You deserve this Love”. Breath.
Fight or Flight. I see you. I just don’t need you anymore. There’s been an Evolution.
Then comes the gratitude. The overwhelming gratitude for a beautiful Joy filled life.