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The Waters Deep

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Sad & Ashamed

thoughtful-ruby

I am sadly observing the happy reaction of my friends and family as our world spins out of control because of the man they voted into the Oval Office.  I am ashamed.

The last 11 days and the insane chaos that is happening in my country has literally made me feel like I am bursting at the seam.  I don’t know if I want to hide under a pillow or get a plane ticket and go March somewhere.  Anywhere.

I’m not just talking about the chaos that our new President and his band of nitwits has strummed up.  That is almost to mind boggling to process.

I’m talking about every person I know who is supporting it.  That is what’s making me crazy.  It’s breaking my heart.

I’ve come to realize that I really didn’t know 99% of the people I’m friends with.  I really didn’t know my family and maybe I really didn’t even know myself.

I am THAT person who is struggling to continue to be friends with the same people who are excited that Trump is doing what he said he’d do in the campaign.  He is doing ALL of it.  I had hoped, like more than half the country hoped, that he’d be like most Presidents and do almost nothing he promised in the campaign.  Not this time.  He did it all in 11 days.

And his supporters say… BOOM… MIC DROP… take that bad awful Liberals and Democrats who want to share our country with ‘others’ who don’t belong.  America First!  What in the hell does that even mean.  Do you hear yourselves?

To them I say, “How can you NOT see that this is going to hurt you too?  Not just (new) immigrants and Mexicans… but YOU.  YOU are going to suffer economically and you deserve it.  You are going to lose land you hunt and fish on.  You are not going to be able to afford all the material things you love so much more than human life.  Most of you will know someone who dies because they no longer have health insurance.”   Short sighted much?

He pushed America right off the cliff and I’m stunned by how many people jumped willingly.  Look at us fly.  With no parachutes.  To the bottom of the rocky canyon.

So what does a person do with all their friends who are happy about what he’s doing and will do?  Pretend you don’t know they feel that way?  Pretend I don’t care?  Doesn’t that make me a hypocrite?

How can we go back to that ignorant bliss?

I’m just not sure that I can.  I know I’m supposed to.  I know I should.

It might take some time.  I may have to sit back and be quiet and just observe for awhile until I can find that place in my heart where I love them anyway.

The Bandaid has been ripped off!

And it hurt.

 

Like millions of Americans I watched the election with enough anxiety to wipe out a country.  I wasn’t going to vote.  I’ve never voted.  I live in a state where the vote for President barely counts.  But as I saw the numbers leaning towards trump I threw on my shoes and raced to the polls.  I was the last and only one there.  They were folding up chairs and putting away the coffee and donuts.  Yes, in my little town,  we get coffee and donuts when we vote.

I voted for Hillary.  Thinking maybe my ONE vote would change the world.  Yeah.

I’m embarrassed to say that I have been so obsessed with the Presidential Election that I didn’t have a clue there’d be so many local people to vote for.  It ignorantly didn’t even occur to me to be informed.   So I voted every other.  Give both parties a chance.  Democrat.  Then Republican. If I was going to vote blindly, I at least wanted to be fair.

And I voted to legalize marijuana.  That just seemed like good timing.

Went home and slapped my ‘I voted’ sticker on a bottle of wine and drank.  Stunned.  Like just about everyone.  Sick to my stomach with the knowledge that our world that we live in has just flipped itself upside down.  Some may be happy about that, but myself, I really liked the fantasy of a classy President and Family.  One that hasn’t boasted about grabbing women by their …. well, you know and without their consent (this seems like an important point).

That said.  Unless the moon falls out of the sky, he is going to be the President.  I think we can handle it.  I’ve been in BAD relationships that lasted longer than four years and survived.

Facebook.  That’s another story.  I’m not sure I can survive Facebook and the cruel awful generalized judgements and blanket statements that are being hurled back and forth between all sides.  Losers and Winners.  GAH.  STOP.  I can’t believe I’m saying this but I miss the good ‘ole days of Selfies and Recipe posts.

People be kind!!  Raise the bar a little.

Trumps  campaign caused people to fear each other, provoking anger and division where there was once the beginnings of love and peace but now he has an opportunity to change that.  And I hope he does.  Maybe the Whitehouse will make him a better man.  Everyone deserves the chance to change.

I hope I reread this post in a couple of years and am given the chance to eat my words.  I hope he really is Great.  For America and all its People I Pray he really is Great.

Inhale.  Exhale.  It’s all good.

inhale

 

 

Presidential Election 2016!

zoebug

Why can’t this process be quicker.  Rip the bandaid off already.

I live in a mostly  ‘Republican’ State that is extremely intolerant of any beliefs that lean towards Democratic or Liberal.  Of my 300 some ‘Friends’ I have 5 who aren’t Republican.    I think there might be more but they are staying quiet.

My Facebook has become a Dangerous Scary place.  Danger Will Robinson DANGER.

The few of us who disagree with the Trump Supporters meet in secret in PM messages, afraid of actually liking or posting anything even remotely supportive of Hillary Clinton for fear of having our head & limbs symbolically ripped off on social media.  The problem is real.

After ‘the video’ where Trump brags about sexual assault, my facebook feed was inundated with ‘I’m more offended by what she does than what he says’ & ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’  Memes.    As a woman who was ‘grabbed by the Pxxxx’ when I was only 6 years old, I’m offended that anyone would even remotely defend that kind of talk or behavior. Let alone every woman in my family and most on my friends list.  It’s beyond believable to me that electing a Republican for Office is so important that we can not only ‘look the other way’ but we can make jokes about it.

I feel like I’m living on another planet where opposites are now the normal.  What was wrong is now right.  What was right is now wrong and we should stop loving our neighbor because we might be deporting them.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED AND PLEASE MAKE IT STOP?

I have unfollowed so many people that my Facebook Feed is now Recipes & The Minions.  I don’t want to see the hateful posts or ridiculous articles from ‘either side’.

Chelsea Clinton recently said, in an interview, that it was important for people to not continue to be divided by this election, beliefs and political views and that whomever becomes president, we need to come together as a country.

That’s called class folks and It is the only way America will be great.

 

 

 

 

Unconditional Love~thats what its all about!

There is a moment in life where we choose what kind of human we are going to be.  Some of us do it consciously and some don’t.

Over the years I’ve started to choose who I want to be based on consequences from past choices and the Legacy I want to leave behind.  As I grow older its not been that difficult since the consequences come rapidly and I’m able to make the connection fairly quickly.  Choices.  Consequences.  Bamm.  See where you went wrong, make a note for future.

In my twenty’s I was an enthusiastic and very self righteous judgmental Lutheran.   I’m not saying all Lutherans are that way.  But I was.

I also belonged to a women’s supposedly non-denomination bible study called  Bible Study Fellowship, that preached love to all Christian religions but quietly had their own set of Strict Doctrine.  As a Leader we had to exemplify perfection.  They told us how to pray.  They told us how to dress.  No divorces.  No drinking.  No inappropriate clothing.  Near Perfection.  It was exhausting, but I went all out and did what I could to help family and friends be perfect as well.  I was awesome like that.  Oh, the ignorance and ego of my young self.

The consequences of that self-righteous judgement  was brought home to me when we were cleaning out my Grandmothers home when she died.   On the table, by her bed, was a worn out and much read letter from me.  I was at first honored that she would have a letter from me that she obviously kept so close to her.

And then I read it.  And then I wept with guilt.  I remembered writing it and feeling so full of indignation that she was living a lifestyle of such debauchery.  Multiple boyfriends, dancing and partying, smoking and drinking.  I felt it was my right as her granddaughter to set her on the path to God and Perfection.

My harsh words of condemnation that she read over and over and over again were the last thing she got from me and I can only imagine how she felt each time she read them.

That Moment.  Choices and Words that I could never take back changed my life forever.

Twenty-some years later, I look back and remember feeling a ‘shift’ towards a different thought pattern and belief system.

She comes to visit me in my dreams.  I tell her I love her.  Just that.  Because that is what its about, this life.  Love.  Unconditional Non-judgmental Love.

What a beautiful world it would be if we could all embrace each other, hold hands, and love the differences that we are.

The Fear of Loss

No matter what happens around me, or to me, as long as I am alive enough to see the sun and the moon rising I can still grow and love and life is amazing regardless of Loss.


This week I stood, once again, over a hospital bed watching a family member recover from an over indulgence of Doctor Prescribed Medication and Budweiser.  Her face a puffy caricature of the  beautiful high cheek boned person I knew.   Once perfect lips dry and cracked and almost undetectable except for the tongue that keeps darting out as she tries to form what I can only guess are words, a hopelessly failed attempt to convince the doctor she has Food Poisoning.  Her eyes yellowed and blood shot, an obvious cry of help from a Liver that seems almost ready to take a permanent vacation from a body that has become way to much work to maintain.  Nicotine stained fingers tinged with a hint of blue, her lungs are not awake enough to take in air but not dead enough to completely stop.

I just want to go home.

I stand there looking at her husband, who is studying the lines on the floor as if they are going to give him the secret answer to the Universe and think, “You watch her sober up or die.  Not me.  You are the one lying to the doctors.  You know the Truth.  Why will you not share it?”  He catches me staring and I see Fear.  It has rendered him speechless.  I want to slap him.

So I walk to the nurses station and tell them her real story.  The truth that she has been struggling with prescription drug addiction for 15+ years.

Plenty of Fluids later and she has recovered miraculously from ‘Food Poisoning’.  They are going to walk her and then she will be released.  It’s no longer an emergency.  This time I don’t beg the doctor to send her to rehab.  I’m not angry.  I’m not really anything except tired.

The next day we have our ‘day after’ talk where I tell her she’s going to die and ask if that’s the Legacy she wishes to leave behind.  I remind her that her mother died from a cocktail of alcohol and pills.  She cries.  She tells me she’s sorry and it won’t happen again.

It’s the same as always. The only difference this time is that I have let go of the Fear of losing her.  I have let go of the responsibility to try to make her sober.  I have let go.

I hug her like it might be the last time I ever see her, because it might.  I look into her hungover eyes and will her to understand that she is loved.

I walk away without any Fear of Loss and I walk back to my life where the birds are chirping, bees are buzzing, my dog is farting, my kids are calling and my husband is hammering on something in the kitchen.

No loss, except my own life, will kill me.  There is Freedom in that Truth.

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