Almost three years ago I had a friend, whom had been in my life all of my life, “Let me go”.
Literally, Physically and Mentally. I was “Let Go”.
I didn’t know it at the time but it would turn out to be one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
She told me I was too negative and angry for her. That was her perspective. That’s what she saw and felt from me.
On my end, I was broken and filled with an intense pain and grief. Three people, whom I loved, had died all within the space and time of 21 days. One of them being my Mother. It was a pain so intense I could barely breath. My brain broke for awhile. A long while.
I couldn’t begin to understand why she chose that time in my life to abandon our friendship and I added it to my pile of loss. So much loss.
And so began the dark dark night of the soul, that started a growth and change that I will forever be grateful for.
I have come to realize, as I processed what happened, that I depended on her heavily. We talked almost every day on the phone. Vented and hashed out all the world’s problems. People. We talked about all the people in our lives. And mostly not in a healthy positive way.
I took most of my life cues from her.
I looked up to her. I wanted to be loved by her. She was frugal with her love. So if I had it I would be the special one. And I was. Out of all the family, she loved me best. So, I too, discarded relationships and friendships and family members to please her. To be like her. To hold myself above the others.
Ironically, one of those relationships that I pushed away was my Mother. I let this other person basically replace her. I put her above my Mom and she knew it. They all knew it. My Mom knew it too and I know it broke her heart. But I justified it.
Then she died. My Mom died. And it all broke. And I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t change it. I’ve had to see it. ALL the things. Feel it. ALL the feelings. Grieve for myself and all that been lost.
Then. Slowly. So slowly. Forgive myself and be at peace with it.
In the healing process I was reborn as myself because I had to do it myself. There was no one there to help create who I thought I should be.
I became able to allow in all the love that I had pushed away for so long. I made room for relationships and friendships that I never thought would be possible.
I’ve learned to not try to be what others want to see.
I just AM.
When my Dad died over a year ago, she called to tell me, not that she was sorry for my loss really, although she did mention it, but mostly I think it was an opportunity for her to confirm with me that she had made the right decision for herself, ending our toxic relationship. I was, again, mind-boggled by her timing, but it gave me another opportunity for reflection over the ways I’ve always allowed people to treat me.
It is true that everything that comes our way can be turned into a learning experience if we are willing to allow it.
I have always fought the end of relationships that should have ended long before they did. And then only with gnashing of the teeth and pulling of the hair.
Fear of Abandonment. Fear of being shamed. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of not being loved. All those things. She made me see all of those things with such a clarity.
Fear that I would not be liked for the person that I am, that all the emotions I thought I had well-hidden would be seen and thrown back at me like swords.
All the things I feared were laid bare. Right there in front of me. I saw Truth.
Those two phone calls from her changed me and allowed me to Bloom into this person that I really love and care for.
Now I show all the emotions. I feel all the feelings. I shout out all the anger. I cry all the tears. I laugh with all the Joy. I AM all the things. All the feelings. I no longer have any shame about that.
Today, I feel a peaceful ending to that relationship and nothing but gratitude and love for the purpose it served in my life.
Separating the feelings of love, anger & pain has always been difficult for me.
Growing up in an abusive home, the three were so often enter-twined with each other that they eventually became the same thing. This has made relationships with other people very complicated. I attracted and was drawn to the people that I subconsciously knew fit the profile that felt normal. I was miserable. I had miserable marriages and relationships filled with conflict and pain.
It was a pattern that took a long time to recognize, but when I did, I made a conscious choice to manifest something different for myself. To not let the past define my future. To accept nothing less than peaceful & kind people in my life. I didn’t even know it was possible. It is.
I’ve had to let go of a lot of people that I thought I loved. I’ve also had to learn to open my heart up to the new ones that came.
It doesn’t mean I don’t feel anger and pain. I now recognize that they are all separate emotions from love and you can have one without the other.
Relationships can be complicated but they don’t have to be.
The story’s I tell myself are rarely the whole truth. They come in strong, they feel real, but can change directions, like the winds at the edge of the ocean.
I believe the absolute truth of them until something shifts internally and I drift into another thought or belief pattern that has been there, waiting for me to see.
Don’t set my words, thoughts and beliefs in concrete, because as I learn, grow & dream, they will change.
Today’s words don’t have to be the eternal truth. They are just part of my story that I bring back from my Dreams. The words are just bits and pieces of Now but not Everything.
In one story my parents are dead. They are gone and can’t be touched ever again. Ashes to Ashes.
Then in another story, the one where I close my eyes and drift into the unknown place, they are there laughing and telling me that everything is perfect and I’ll be all right. They are fine. I am fine. I can touch my Mom in that story. Feel her soft cheek against mine. I can hear her say, “Oh honey” with so much love that I bring real tears, from that story, into the other. I bring the Love too. It’s not a word it’s a feeling.
Does a time and a place exist where this story is real? Yes. I just don’t have a label big enough for it.
The bad story’s. They are fading farther and farther away. I no longer want to tell them, to myself or to anyone else. They no longer feel like they are a part of me. I have let them go. I have changed the script. Because I can.
The Dreams are real. Everything else is unpredictable & ever changing.
Everything changes. Every single thing on this earth changes every second. Sometimes the changes are so subtle you don’t even notice them. Other times they make themselves known like the color of the leaves when Fall comes. So obvious that you’d be a fool to pretend you couldn’t see them.
The season of Death floats in and out and through all other seasons. It brings with it the greatest of changes, so close and in front of you that it’s blinding and all you can see or think about. Everything else gets filtered through that lens of pain and loss.
Every leaf that falls, thunders in your ear. Every raindrop drowns. The sun feels scorching on your face. Banana’s taste like chalk. Tears water the planet.
This season of Death has been long and has left holes where they once were. Energetic voids.
There wasn’t enough time. There is never enough time. The seasons change so quickly.