The Waters Deep

Life's about swimming to the top and dancing on the waves!

You can’t pray it away

Old deserted House

So My mother is not dead.  I thought she was when I first walked in.   Slumped over in the frame of the chair, her body motionless and grey.  Empty like a dilapidated building that once was filled with Life.  Where beauty still lingered but only because of Memories that you imagine might have happened there once.

 It strangely hurt my heart more than I had prepared myself for it to hurt (all these years of saying goodbye).  That’s knowledge that will be good for me to have. 

Almost 20 years watching her and my father destroying their lives and our family with Prescription Pills and Alcohol.  Each overdose somehow coming as a surprise.  It’s been ‘Food Poisoning’, ‘A stroke’, ‘The Flu’,  a multitude of ailments that we all know aren’t real but no one had the energy to call out.  Again.

I’ve felt like I was standing in some kind of Fog or Mist Horror Story, where no one was willing to admit there was a Monster lurking.  Only me.  Every time I screamed ‘Monster’ another member of the family would disown me.  How dare I be so disrespectful.  Those are ‘good’ people.  ‘Great Friends’.  God Bless them and we’ll pray for them.

They lived in a beautiful perfect home that could have been put together by Martha Stewart herself.  Not anymore.  The money is gone.  Not even enough to finish the small cabin in the woods they are trying to build.  Sleeping on a mattress without sheets and sitting on camp chairs by the woodstove, which is their only source of heat.  Walls and ceiling half finished.  A pantry full of canned Pork & Beans and soup.  A refrigerator full of nothing but beer and wine, no real food.  A washing machine full of folded clothes and shoes, because at some point there was major confusion on how to do a load of laundry.

Picture perfect Christians.  Only their children and spouses & grandchildren saw behind that curtain.  We talked about it in secret, when no one else was listening.  Because they had all seen the reactions from the Non-Believers when we allowed the Elephant out.  No one wanted to clean up that mess.  In fairness maybe no one knew how.  Us girls, their kids, sure could have used some help all these years.

You don’t pray away an Opioid & Alcohol addiction.  You don’t sober them up with coffee and a couple AA meetings, or apparently 22 years of them either.  That Monster just lingers in the Mist waiting for the door to be opened.  Waiting for its friend Death to join him at the Party.

This time though, it brought me and my sisters into a room, together, for the first time in 20 years and we all were in agreement on how to proceed.  We left the elephant back at the shack.  We locked arms around the Tree of Life and we talked about being Sisters and we imagined what that might mean now.

We had an amazing shift, where Love was shared.  THAT was a beautiful and unexpected gift.

Sad & Ashamed


I am sadly observing the happy reaction of my friends and family as our world spins out of control because of the man they voted into the Oval Office.  I am ashamed.

The last 11 days and the insane chaos that is happening in my country has literally made me feel like I am bursting at the seam.  I don’t know if I want to hide under a pillow or get a plane ticket and go March somewhere.  Anywhere.

I’m not just talking about the chaos that our new President and his band of nitwits has strummed up.  That is almost to mind boggling to process.

I’m talking about every person I know who is supporting it.  That is what’s making me crazy.  It’s breaking my heart.

I’ve come to realize that I really didn’t know 99% of the people I’m friends with.  I really didn’t know my family and maybe I really didn’t even know myself.

I am THAT person who is struggling to continue to be friends with the same people who are excited that Trump is doing what he said he’d do in the campaign.  He is doing ALL of it.  I had hoped, like more than half the country hoped, that he’d be like most Presidents and do almost nothing he promised in the campaign.  Not this time.  He did it all in 11 days.

And his supporters say… BOOM… MIC DROP… take that bad awful Liberals and Democrats who want to share our country with ‘others’ who don’t belong.  America First!  What in the hell does that even mean.  Do you hear yourselves?

To them I say, “How can you NOT see that this is going to hurt you too?  Not just (new) immigrants and Mexicans… but YOU.  YOU are going to suffer economically and you deserve it.  You are going to lose land you hunt and fish on.  You are not going to be able to afford all the material things you love so much more than human life.  Most of you will know someone who dies because they no longer have health insurance.”   Short sighted much?

He pushed America right off the cliff and I’m stunned by how many people jumped willingly.  Look at us fly.  With no parachutes.  To the bottom of the rocky canyon.

So what does a person do with all their friends who are happy about what he’s doing and will do?  Pretend you don’t know they feel that way?  Pretend I don’t care?  Doesn’t that make me a hypocrite?

How can we go back to that ignorant bliss?

I’m just not sure that I can.  I know I’m supposed to.  I know I should.

It might take some time.  I may have to sit back and be quiet and just observe for awhile until I can find that place in my heart where I love them anyway.

January 20, 2017

Beetle Juice…. Beetle Juice….  Beetle Juice.

Oh, if only that were a choice … instead.

2016 done and DONE….


Most of my family and friends are elated and are celebrating ‘that person’ who will become the next President.  I can’t even say his name.

I watch his cabinet picks.  It’s like we are living in Opposites World.

I listen to his ‘campaign manager’ divert every question and never actually answer a question and I am disgusted.  This might be the norm.  I’m not sure.  Normally I avoid politics.  But unfortunately,  for my husband, this year was different.

It seems that there is nothing ‘that person’  does that will make the ‘Obama/Democrat/Liberal’ haters acknowledge wrong doing.

This is where our country is at.  The consensus is that NOTHING he says or does is worse than anything ‘They do’ or have done

So we tolerate his lies, his childish tweets and his  Bullying.

But Republicans won the Senate so it’s all worth it right.???

Just to be clear.  I am not an Obama Lover or a Hillary Lover nor am I a Liberal.   I don’t affiliate with any party.  For many reasons.  First, Politicians lie.  Second, I find bits and pieces of all parties to be beneficial.

I love the United States of America but I am currently ashamed of the behavior of a large majority of the people who live here.  I am ashamed that we have elected  … ‘that person’…. to be our next President.   He can’t even finish a full sentence without the same repetitive adjectives.  I’m not sure he’s ever uttered a complete sentence.

How does this affect me personally?

Besides the obvious world issues where I think he’s going to create major chaos in, chaos that his supporters are also going to feel, I’m struggling with being friends with people who are not only ok and accepting his awful behavior but are compelled to defend him and vilify anyone who dares to stand up and call him out.

This election has sadly made me realize just how un-aligned I am in heart beliefs  with so many people that I am close to.  Thoughts and beliefs have been expressed that I didn’t even know existed.

Truth revealed that can not be unseen.

To all people and to my children and grand children I say this:   Raise the Bar.  Don’t accept disrespectful bullies ever.  No matter what position of authority they are in.   Best Friend,  Casual Friend, boyfriend, parent, spouse, teacher, principal, congressmen, senator OR the President of the United States.  Don’t accept it in your private life and don’t accept it in your public life.  Use any platform you have to denounce this kind of behavior.



My granddaughter tells me that she wishes she could have a different brain because hers does things she doesn’t like.

Especially when she’s trying to fall asleep.  She tells it to be quiet and it just keeps thinking about things like  Monsters and the Little Dinosaur that fell into the raging river with his Daddy, who drowned.  Then she gets all sad and can’t sleep because her brain won’t listen to her and it never stops thinking.

She is pounding her little fists on her forehead as she tells me this.   She is only 4 but can articulate and is insightful in ways that astound me.

I am 47 and have not figured out to make my brain stop thinking and creating scenarios that are completely untrue.

Turns out I’m not the only one.


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