The thing about dying. We either get to know it all or we end up knowing nothing.
I dreamt last night that I went to live in a big giant house with lots of rooms. Husband was with me. I had my arms looped through his. We were walking down a long hallway, trying to find the kitchen, when a man walked right through us. I thought, “that was weird”. Then a little girl did the same thing. They didn’t even see us. Then there was a woman and I noticed that I could see right through her. She looked at me and I screamed, “I’m not afraid of you”. There were ghosts everywhere and they were talking to me. They all wanted jobs. The house was big and they thought we should turn it into a hotel retreat with an organic garden and fly fishing. I couldn’t figure out how I was going to teach the ghost’s to communicate with the guests. It was going to be a problem. My daughters showed up to see the new house and the only one who would talk to me was my three year old granddaughter. She was full of questions and told me she loved me and I was her best friend. Her mother kept telling her to stop it. I was getting mad and frustrated because they wouldn’t let her talk to me. They look at Husband and tell him to come with them, they want to see the gardens. They start to leave and I’m screaming and screaming for them to stop. The woman ghost looks at me and I hear her thinking, “They can’t see us”. And I know. I’m so sad.
Goodbye Wine. Goodbye Processed Food. Goodbye Gluten. Goodbye Sugar. Goodbye Caffeine. Hellooooo Whole Foods. Helloooooo REAL Foods. By the way: It’s ridiculously difficult to eat ‘whole’ and to be conscious about what I put into my body. I feel like I’m in Kindergarten for Real Fooders.
Time Log July 4 2015: I’m 20 days sober. Not just from alcohol. I’ve been juicing and eating fresh oranges and salad greens and garbonzo beans. No coffee, soda, wine or fast food. First Fourth of July I’ve celebrated in years without a bottle of something and a hotdog. I had grapes (my salute to wine) veggies, cheese and brown rice crackers, hummus and veggies. We swam at the nasty muddy reservoir and I was thankful for our country and not getting a leech on my leg…. or anywhere else for that matter.
Last night I dreamt that I was checking out the basement of my parent’s new house. It was a duplicate of the upstairs. I couldn’t understand why they needed two kitchens. I was opening up cupboards and found some great pottery I wanted to take home. One cupboard was full of nothing but gallons of oil for the commercial size deep fat fryer sitting next to the extra stove and sink. One cupboard had a pack of cigarettes and fishing lures. Then I was putting the baby down for a nap and realized that I smelled poop. I went to change her diaper but she wouldn’t lay still. There was poop everywhere but in her diaper. I was covered in it. I took all my poopy clothes off trying to get away from it but somehow it was still all over me. The baby was naked and covered in poop too. The bedroom door was open and I knew that I couldn’t get it all cleaned up and that everyone could see me, it was just a matter of time.
My friends Mom, whom I’ve known literally my whole life. She lived and now she’s gone and that’s how it works and it doesn’t make any sense to me.
She was the most open person I have ever known. Always spoke what was on her mind whether you liked it or not. Had a strong moral compass and didn’t mind helping you with yours when you needed it.
I’m sure she offended a lot of people with her truth and yet on the day of her funeral that church was standing room only. The procession was from one end of the town to the other.
When she started a sentence with, “SuzyQMagoo let me tell you something…” I was either in trouble or someone else was.
She gave me as many spankings as my own Mother.
The week before she died she called to ask me about my relationship with my parents and before I could answer she said, “SuzyQMagoo, none of that other shit matters. In the end none of it matters. Call your Mother and make sure she knows you love her.”
And of course I did.
She was free in Life and now she’s free in Death.
Something we can all learn from.