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The Waters Deep

Life's about swimming to the top and dancing on the waves!

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Health

The Fear of Loss

No matter what happens around me, or to me, as long as I am alive enough to see the sun and the moon rising I can still grow and love and life is amazing regardless of Loss.


This week I stood, once again, over a hospital bed watching a family member recover from an over indulgence of Doctor Prescribed Medication and Budweiser.  Her face a puffy caricature of the  beautiful high cheek boned person I knew.   Once perfect lips dry and cracked and almost undetectable except for the tongue that keeps darting out as she tries to form what I can only guess are words, a hopelessly failed attempt to convince the doctor she has Food Poisoning.  Her eyes yellowed and blood shot, an obvious cry of help from a Liver that seems almost ready to take a permanent vacation from a body that has become way to much work to maintain.  Nicotine stained fingers tinged with a hint of blue, her lungs are not awake enough to take in air but not dead enough to completely stop.

I just want to go home.

I stand there looking at her husband, who is studying the lines on the floor as if they are going to give him the secret answer to the Universe and think, “You watch her sober up or die.  Not me.  You are the one lying to the doctors.  You know the Truth.  Why will you not share it?”  He catches me staring and I see Fear.  It has rendered him speechless.  I want to slap him.

So I walk to the nurses station and tell them her real story.  The truth that she has been struggling with prescription drug addiction for 15+ years.

Plenty of Fluids later and she has recovered miraculously from ‘Food Poisoning’.  They are going to walk her and then she will be released.  It’s no longer an emergency.  This time I don’t beg the doctor to send her to rehab.  I’m not angry.  I’m not really anything except tired.

The next day we have our ‘day after’ talk where I tell her she’s going to die and ask if that’s the Legacy she wishes to leave behind.  I remind her that her mother died from a cocktail of alcohol and pills.  She cries.  She tells me she’s sorry and it won’t happen again.

It’s the same as always. The only difference this time is that I have let go of the Fear of losing her.  I have let go of the responsibility to try to make her sober.  I have let go.

I hug her like it might be the last time I ever see her, because it might.  I look into her hungover eyes and will her to understand that she is loved.

I walk away without any Fear of Loss and I walk back to my life where the birds are chirping, bees are buzzing, my dog is farting, my kids are calling and my husband is hammering on something in the kitchen.

No loss, except my own life, will kill me.  There is Freedom in that Truth.

Taking my feet to better places

GoldBug Feet Pic

This is the year of my evolution.

Bought a tent and a backpack.

Leaving the couch and TV behind and taking my feet to better places.

Getting out of my head and into Nature.

Letting go of Fear!

“Let go” said the Earth, and the trees let out their breath.

IMG_0459

(My beautiful text message from my beautiful Aunt and Friend)

Big Clumps of hair

Trentens pic

Last night I dreamt that my hair was falling out in big nasty clumps the size of a silver dollar or bigger.  I was at a Halloween dance and I pretended it was part of my costume, even to myself.  I left the party in a pickup truck and was driving home in the dark.  I was thinking and thinking about the awfulness of my problem and the corners on the road kept getting tighter and tighter and I was having a hard time keeping myself on the road.  Then I didn’t.  I came around a corner and just had a calmness about me as I missed the turn.  I knew I couldn’t stop it or control it.  In slow motion I tumbled off the road and through the air.  I thought to myself, “of course there’s no ditch”.  Down and down I went and crashed at the bottom.  I wasn’t thinking about my hair anymore.  I was thinking about the physical pain and wondering if my soul could live through it.  I went to school the next day but everything was so loud and I couldn’t understand the words anymore.  And I hurt everywhere.  My hair was completely gone and I’d let one of the ‘druggy’ Emo art students paint a kaleidoscope of 3 dimensional scenes where my hair used to be.  But I couldn’t stand all the noise and the chatter. I couldn’t stand all the people.  It was just to much work to be there.  I had to go where it was quiet.  I sat on the top of a hill and watched them playing down below, I looked up and saw the brightness that the world can be.  I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t sad.  I just was. And it was ok for now.

I think I may be tired of dealing with people this week.  And my youngest daughter’s hair has started falling out.  She called me last night to tell me she had three more bald spots.  It made my stomach hurt.  She has been diagnosed with Alopecia areata  It is an autoimmune disease; the person’s immune system attacks their own body. In this case, their hair follicles.  They don’t know why.  I think it scares me more than it does her.  She simply sweeps the rest of her thick dark hair over the big bald spots and bobby pins it.  Moves on with her day.  She has the ability to compartmentalize in a manner that probably saves her from going completely crazy from the stress she has in her life.  I do not have the same gift.  So I’m closer to crazy than I normally like to be.

In the big scheme of what can go wrong in this life its a little thing.  It will be ok.

Drive it like you stole it

Yesterday, the moon sent super rays to the earth and zapped me smack dab in the middle of my chest and I ended up with an anxiety attack so bad that poor husband thought I might be temporarily insane.  He was hoping it was temporary anyways.

I was fine.  Then I wasn’t.  Just like that.   I realized in the middle of sifting through the multiple client ‘To Do’ piles that I had a ridiculous amount of work errands in town and no vehicle.  My skype and phone was blowing up with ‘fires’ that needed put out, all of which required me to get in my invisible car and leave the house.  I lost my shit.

Unfortunately, Husband had just walked into my office when it happened and I somehow made it his fault that I left my ‘ride’ at the auto mechanic shop.  I screamed.  Then I cried.  Then I told him to fix it or I was going to lose my mind.

So he lets me drive his grandfathers truck, that he has spent 8 years tearing down and fixing up.

Truck

I’m not sure what in the hell is up with the motor,  but it has a whole lot more ‘get up and go’ than what I’m used to.

Zero to 60 with just a little tap of the foot.  I tried the top of the gas pedal and the bottom of the gas petal.  I took my shoe off and tried it barefoot.  No matter what I did, the second I got close to the gas petal it would shoot forward like I was in some kind of drag race.  I threw gravel and left skid marks at every stop sign in town.

Completely cracked me up every time.  I felt like a six year old who stole the family truck.

I later had a friend ask me, “What the hell?  Was that you that flew by the house in the white truck today?”  HAHA.  It only goes slow in neutral.  Seriously.  I’m lucky I made it home.

Reverse at 60mph is more than unsettling.  I nearly took out the flag pole at the post office, and briefly thought,  that with all the spinning out and laughing like a crazy woman I would get pulled over for a DUI.

From crazy freaking out screaming mad to crazy laughing and feeling like a teenager out tearing up the backroads.

Thank you Husband for changing my day!

I never did go back to the computer, I turned off my skype and phone and the world didn’t end.  It was perfect!

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