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The Waters Deep

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No one saves us but ourselves

worrydoll******

AS we move forward ‘positive cases’ will eventually pop up in our Area.  More and more of them. Probably more than we can count.

Don’t let fear cause you to shame ANYONE or to point fingers.

Let the truth that it is here quietly sink in.  Some will hear it.  Others won’t.

Let it help you decide just how essential that trip to the store is, or that camp trip, or that hike on the busy trail. Can it wait 14 days?  If not, fair enough.  But if it can.  Stay Home.

Be a problem solver. WHAT in the world can’t wait 14 days when the consequence is death or scarred lungs or grandma lying in a casket because you went to a party and brought home death.  Stop It.

On a good day BUSY is awesome for everyone.  It’s great for the economy.  But when people in all four corners of our country are piling up and being put in refrigeration trucks right outside the hospital, maybe not so good.

No panic. Breathe.  Hold your space.

RIGHT now. This week. Next week. Is the time.

****Media from Wisdom of the buddha deck  ~ Artwork Matthew Smith

#stayhome #pleasestayhome #whynotstayhome #staythefuckathome 

Chopping up the past

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What do I want to do? I mean really do?

It’s a weird thing to wake up at 50 and realize you finally have the time and resources to ask yourself that question.  The clarity to see that it’s not selfish to do so.

The excitement to discover that you love yourself enough.

What makes me happy?  Fulfills me?  Serves me?  What are my passions and life goals?

Am I living a true and authentic life while doing the best I can to love and help others?

Learning from the patterns of generations that came before me.  Recognizing and being willing to talk about them out loud.

I come from a long line of women who didn’t love themselves enough.  Who didn’t allow other people to love them.  They chose hard lives and hard living which resulted in a lot of bad relationships, of all kinds.

Generations of family who struggled knowing how to be family because of the inability to be self reflective without judgement, to love and be loved without fear.  To trust each other.

I’m gifting myself and my children and grandchildren a new heritage.   I want to be open to everything this life has to offer.

What do I want to do.  Love.  I want to do Love.

 

 

 

 

 

Energy Bucks

zoebug

Every day we wake up with Energy Bucks and we start spending them the second we put our feet on the floor.

Making Coffee, 5 Bucks.   Brushing Teeth, 5 Bucks.  Getting Dressed, 10 Bucks.  Reading emails, 40 Bucks.  Trying on that pair of jeans you know won’t fit.  Boom.  Out of Energy Bucks.

I figure I have about 100 Energy Bucks for the day.  Most days I’ve spent that before noon.

I used to just pretend to myself that I had more Energy than I did.  I’d march forward like a martyr on a mission.  I had tasks to complete and people to make happy.   Pushing myself through the day with a ‘can do’ attitude.  Waiting for that “second wind”, that usually came just before bedtime.

Until I just couldn’t anymore.  When my Mom died my legs got kicked out from under me and my brain said, “No More. We’re empty.  Rest Me and we’ll start fresh in about 6 months”.  

I had to start counting my Energy bucks and using them wisely.

I learned what ‘cost’ me and how to decide what I needed to say No to.

I started to find ways to add to my Energy Bank by doing things that fulfilled me.  Yoga.  Meditation. Drinking Water.  Consciously breathing.  Journaling.  Stopping to listen to a favorite song, the whole thing, not just blips as I ran around the house cleaning.

 Five minutes with the sun on my face.  Feeling Gratitude.  Really taking the time to close my eyes and FEEL it.  Send the message to every cell.

I create and prioritize the time to take care of myself.  Every day.  Because not only do I deserve it, I need it.

No one can run on empty forever.

The Fear of Loss

No matter what happens around me, or to me, as long as I am alive enough to see the sun and the moon rising I can still grow and love and life is amazing regardless of Loss.


This week I stood, once again, over a hospital bed watching my Mom recover from an over indulgence of Doctor Prescribed Medication and Budweiser.  Her face a puffy caricature of the  beautiful high cheek-boned person I knew.   Once perfect lips, dry and cracked and almost undetectable except for the tongue that keeps darting out as she tries to form what I can only guess are words, a hopelessly failed attempt to convince the doctor she has Food Poisoning.  Her eyes yellowed and blood shot, an obvious cry of help from a Liver that seems almost ready to take a permanent vacation from a body that has become way too much work to maintain.  Nicotine stained fingers tinged with a hint of blue, her lungs are not awake enough to take in air but not dead enough to completely stop.

I just want to go home.

I stand there looking at My Dad, who is studying the lines on the floor as if they are going to give him the secret answer to the Universe and think, “You watch her sober up or die.  Not me.  You are the one lying to the doctors.  You know the Truth.  Why will you not share it?”  He catches me staring and I see Fear.  It has rendered him speechless.  I want to slap him.

So I walk to the nurses station and tell them her real story.  The truth that she has been struggling with prescription drug addiction for 15+ years.

Plenty of Fluids later and she has recovered miraculously from ‘Food Poisoning’.  They are going to walk her and then she will be released.  It’s no longer an emergency.  This time I don’t beg the doctor to send her to rehab.  I’m not angry.  I’m not really anything except tired.

The next day we have our ‘day after’ talk where I tell her she’s going to die and ask if that’s the Legacy she wishes to leave behind.  I remind her that her mother died from a cocktail of alcohol and pills.  She cries.  She tells me she’s sorry and it won’t happen again.

It’s the same as always. The only difference this time is that I have let go of the Fear of losing her.  I have let go of the responsibility to try to make her sober.  I have let go.

I hug her like it might be the last time I ever see her, because it might.  I look into her hungover eyes and will her to understand that she is loved.

I walk away without any Fear of Loss and I walk back to my life where the birds are chirping, bees are buzzing, my dog is farting, my kids are calling and my husband is hammering on something in the kitchen.

No loss, except my own life, will kill me.  There is Freedom in that Truth.

Taking my feet to better places

GoldBug Feet Pic

Leaving the couch and TV behind and taking my feet to better places.

Getting out of my head and into Nature.

Letting go of Fear!

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