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The Waters Deep

Life's about swimming to the top and dancing on the waves!

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My Life

Unconditional Love~thats what its all about!

There is a moment in life where we choose what kind of human we are going to be.  Some of us do it consciously and some don’t.

Over the years I’ve started to choose who I want to be based on consequences from past choices and the Legacy I want to leave behind.  As I grow older its not been that difficult since the consequences come rapidly and I’m able to make the connection fairly quickly.  Choices.  Consequences.  Bamm.  See where you went wrong, make a note for future.

In my twenty’s I was an enthusiastic and very self righteous judgmental Lutheran.   I’m not saying all Lutherans are that way.  But I was.

I also belonged to a women’s supposedly non-denomination bible study called  Bible Study Fellowship, that preached love to all Christian religions but quietly had their own set of Strict Doctrine.  As a Leader we had to exemplify perfection.  They told us how to pray.  They told us how to dress.  No divorces.  No drinking.  No inappropriate clothing.  Near Perfection.  It was exhausting, but I went all out and did what I could to help family and friends be perfect as well.  I was awesome like that.  Oh, the ignorance and ego of my young self.

The consequences of that self-righteous judgement  was brought home to me when we were cleaning out my Grandmothers home when she died.   On the table, by her bed, was a worn out and much read letter from me.  I was at first honored that she would have a letter from me that she obviously kept so close to her.

And then I read it.  And then I wept with guilt.  I remembered writing it and feeling so full of indignation that she was living a lifestyle of such debauchery.  Multiple boyfriends, dancing and partying, smoking and drinking.  I felt it was my right as her granddaughter to set her on the path to God and Perfection.

My harsh words of condemnation that she read over and over and over again were the last thing she got from me and I can only imagine how she felt each time she read them.

That Moment.  Choices and Words, that I could never take back ,changed my life forever.

She comes to visit me in my dreams.  I tell her I love her.  Just that.

Love.  Unconditional Non-judgmental Love.  Because we are all connected.  One and the same.

Broccoli is for Trees Grammy

My 3 year old Granddaughter and I playing alphabet flash cards:

HER: “You be the baby and I’ll be the mommy”.  She holds a card up and says, “A is forrrrrrrr?” Looking at me sternly… Eyebrows raised almost to hairline level, lips pursed,  hand high on her waist, elbow jutting out.
ME: Trying to not laugh, pretending to think hard, “Apple”
HER: “Good job! I knew you could do it. Your so smart!! Hi five baby!  Apples are good because they aren’t green. But Green is for Grass and broccoli is for trees and why do you eat grass and trees all the time grammy and Is ‘B’ for Broccoli or Trees because broccoli is gross?”

HaHa… she’s been watching what I eat but isn’t so impressed.

Zoe

 

 

 

The thing about dying

 
Ocean

 

 

 

 

 

The thing about dying.  We either get to know it all or we end up knowing nothing.

 

 

We aren’t really here

 

I dreamt last night that I went to live in a big giant house with lots of rooms.  Husband was with me.  I had my arms looped through his.  We were walking down a long hallway, trying to find the kitchen, when a man walked right through us.  I thought, “that was weird”.  Then a little girl did the same thing.  They didn’t even see us.  Then there was a woman and I noticed that I could see right through her.  She looked at me and I screamed, “I’m not afraid of you”.  There were ghosts everywhere and they were talking to me.  They all wanted jobs.  The house was big and they thought we should turn it into a hotel retreat with an organic garden and fly fishing.  I couldn’t figure out how I was going to teach the ghost’s to communicate with the guests.  It was going to be a problem.  My daughters showed up to see the new house and the only one who would talk to me was my three year old granddaughter.  She was full of questions and told me she loved me and I was her best friend.  Her mother kept telling her to stop it.  I was getting mad and frustrated because they wouldn’t let her talk to me.  They look at Husband and tell him to come with them, they want to see the gardens.  They start to leave and I’m screaming and screaming for them to stop.  The woman ghost looks at me and I hear her thinking, “They can’t see us”.  And I know.  I’m so sad. 

The food in the cupboard has changed

foodpainsGoodbye Wine.  Goodbye Processed Food.  Goodbye Gluten.  Goodbye Sugar.  Goodbye Caffeine.  Hellooooo Whole Foods.  Helloooooo REAL Foods.  By the way:  It’s ridiculously difficult to eat ‘whole’ and to be conscious about what I put into my body.  I feel like I’m in Kindergarten for Real Fooders.

Time Log July 4 2015:   I’m 20 days sober.   Not just from alcohol. I’ve been juicing and eating fresh oranges and salad greens and garbonzo beans. No coffee, soda, wine or fast food.  First Fourth of July I’ve celebrated in years without a bottle of something and a hotdog.  I had grapes (my salute to wine) veggies, cheese and brown rice crackers, hummus and veggies.  We swam at the nasty muddy reservoir and I was thankful for our country and not getting a leech on my leg…. or anywhere else for that matter.

 

 

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