The Waters Deep

When my first husband and I lived in our ‘last’ house together, we were miserably unhappy.  It was the end of our marriage, and we both knew it, but we were fighting against it.  He was abusive and I was drinking too much trying to hide from the Truth.  

I had joined this really intense bible study group, Bible Study Fellowship (BSF).  You worked on it every single day and then met for four hours every week to discuss it (two days if you were a leader… which I was).  

I was struggling.  Every week I’m sitting next to these wealthy bored Christian women with seemingly perfect lives trying to hide my hangover and the fact that my husband woke me up and screamed and yelled at me for hours because I’d left a wet towel in the laundry or he wanted to go over hypothetical budgets.  Or I was processing the fact that he’d shot at the house the night before, because we had been fighting, and the neighbor lady had called the police.  It was always something.  We were both filled with indescribable hatred and anger and frustration that had been building sinse we were children, well before we collided on the same path.

I was struggling finding anything to pray about because I needed a whole lot more than prayers to save me from this shitty life I had landed in.  But I was stubborn.  I kept at it.  Week after week looking for solutions and answers to my problems.  Mostly, I was hoping for a scripture that would let me out of my marriage.  Which was ironic because the one thing this group was very solid about was that Divorce was a terrible sin.  

I was driving home after bible study and stopped at a convenience store, probably to grab wine, and ended up talking myself into giving this man, who was hitchhiking, and his two kids a ride.  Being a woman who was already leery and afraid of almost all men, I only picked him up because he had kids.  That seemed safe.  Er.  When we headed down the road and I asked where he lived, he said “Roman’s Ave”.  The hair on the back of my neck stood up instantly.  First, I had been driving this road for a year and had never heard of the street and second because I was actually studying the book of Roman’s in BSF.  

I’m feeding them out of my bag of groceries, but they aren’t eating as if they are starving.  They look like they are, but they are nibbling politely.  I notice that both kids have the brightest blue eyes I’ve ever seen and it feels like under all the dirt and worn clothes, they are tanned and healthy and almost glowing.  Which gives me this weird feeling inside my stomach.  Like something isn’t right with any of this but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

When we turned off on this sketchy dirt road, I was pretty convinced I was going to be murdered and it was fate.  And I didn’t care.  I was almost apathetic.  I was so tired of my life.  Bone weary tired.  I had been fighting and scratching and running and climbing mountains trying to find some shred of fucking happiness and it had wore me the hell out.  

I come to a gate and stop, and him and the kids get out and are standing in front of my door.  On the gate there’s a handwritten sign that says, “Roman’s 3:26”.  I know what this verse means.  I’ve been reading it over and over for three months or more.  Now I’m crying.  Hot tears just pouring out from every cell in my body.  I’m confused.  Not afraid. Just this outpouring of all the things that have been building up for all the years.  A knowing that this moment is special but not understanding what this moment really is.

They just stand there.   Awkwardly, I say, “I’m susan and it was nice to meet you”.  Ugly crying hard now.  Snot dripping from my nose and spit gathering in my mouth.  And he looks directly at me, right into me, and says, “This is Mercy & this is Grace.  And you are Free”.   

And they turn and walk around the gate and down the road. When I drove away and looked back they were nowhere to be seen.  No houses in sight.  

I never went back to see if it was real.  I didn’t have to.  The next week I told my Story during the Testimonials at the end of the Bible Study and had 300  women crying.  

It was mere days after this happened that I learned that my husband had a ‘special friend’ outside of our marriage. It’s the one biblical reason for a divorce.  I really was Free.

Years later, at a Family Rehab meeting, he apologized and asked my forgiveness for being an abusive husband.  What he didn’t know was that I had already forgiven him.

At our Grandson’s 5th birthday party, I was sitting eating chips and dip and watching my husband cooking burgers with my ex and his new wife, who is laughing with our daughter and then we all shared cake, and I had this out of body experience where I was looking at all of us from ‘outside’ and I swear I could see Little Mercy & Grace sitting amongst us all and smiling at me.  

They have followed me wherever I go and are there when I chose to really see them. 

My life has always been weird that way.  Normal for me.  I see things that other people don’t see.  Serendipitous Moments.   Connections.  I predict things are going to happen and then they do.  Is it psychic or a manifestation or a message from God / Universe?  I don’t know.  

I do know it’s miraculously painful and beautiful all at the same time and I want to share every moment of it so people will know how magic forgiveness and love really is.  No matter who the message comes from.